Stuntpig

Dear Audrey,

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during
our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you
left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the
wounded little boy in me talking.

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my
fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me.
I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost
me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I
don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the
first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our
hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says...
"There's no one like you, Audrey." I look for you in the eyes and
breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home
with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the
depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those
perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating
can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe
and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I
sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the
stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well,
in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her
a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately
attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yoghurt,
I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It
wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger,
but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel
so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because
you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing
feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you.

And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that
single mum we met at Pontins last year? Well, she dropped by last week
with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without
a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not
the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're
banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in
the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does
when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the
kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on
your grandmother' old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle
it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes
me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the
mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we
never used it as a sex aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order.
I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on
her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.
She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general.
She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is. So we're
drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage
girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she
looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And
then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that gets
me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and
how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you
see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon
ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could
start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh?

I think we can. If you feel the same please please please let me know,
otherwise, can you let me know where the Sky remote control is.

Steve