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Tell them you have a criminal record and you're outta there. Seriously.
However, if you DON'T, and they CHECK, here's a few more...
-I can tell if people are guilty by looking at them.
-I'm attracted to you, your honor.
-If a police officer told me I was a bug, I would believe him.
-My religion prohibits me from sitting near other people.
-Would I have to bathe?
-Can each of my personalities vote in deliberations?
-Laws are for sissies.
-Your marshall's handcuffs are turning me on.
-I'm allergic to justice.
-I'm deaf. (Answer questions thereafter by cupping hand and shouting "What?")
-A pit bull named [defendant's first name] just killed my baby.
-I have Tourette's Syndrome, you fucking asshole.
-I get dizzy if I try to weigh evidence.
-Have you ever done this, your honor? (Chop off your ear with a razor).
-An eye for an eye? I say we take his head for an eye! (Point at defendant).
Since those will probably fail, and you'll have to serve, at least have some fun....
-Raise your hand during witness testimony and ask if it would have been appropriate for the defense to object at that point.
-Come for duty as a TRUE Scotsman in a kilt. Every 15 minutes play a tape of "Lord of the Dance" and dance along SHOWING everyone you're a true Scotsman.
-Turn your seat away from the courtroom. When questioned, tell them the jury foreman put you on a timeout.
-Stand up and request a sidebar.
-Stare at the defendant and run your finger across your neck as if you're slicing your throat.
-Wink and blow kisses at the prosecution. Gender is irrelevant.
-Have pizza delivered to the jury box as per "Fast Times at Ridgemont High".
-During awkward pauses by witnesses, start to hum the "Jeopardy" theme song out loud...add a loud "BUZZ" when they finally answer and say, "I'm sorry, that's incorrect."
-Every time there's a female witness, lean over to another juror (always the same one) and say, "Boneprone fucked her."
Note-be sure to do these during your first hour of the trial or before you're held in contempt of court...whichever comes first.
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