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Sarah_Jayne · 07-25-2005, 01:23 PM

You know what? When this was first posted it hurt me so bad that it set my 'recovery' back in a major way. Even more so that pretty much no one on the thread bothered to actually read my response and what actually happened.

Now, some seven months on I really could care less what some sad excuse for a troll - ie shaddam - thinks about me or my relationship. Why? Well, firstly because I know exactly how much I loved my husband and how much he loved me. I know for a fact what he would have thought about me having contact with another human being on a day when I needed someone to keep me from essentially killing myself.

I don't drink much, I don't smoke and I don't do drugs. So, on that night - my Birthday when I had spent the day opening gifts from my dead husband - I 'tripped up' in a way and fell into the caring arms of a friend who Marc not only knew about but approved of when he was alive. I didn't have intercourse..I didn't even do anything to him but that isn't the point. The point is that there are a total of two people in this thread that knew anything about how Marc would have felt about this - myself and Benzo - and I know for damn sure he would have understood.

Now, Shaddam or anyone else here - please tell me to my face that I don't love my husband? You have any idea what the process of moving on with your life after WATCHING your soul mate die in front of you is like? I suspect not.

Well, we are now eight months past his death and let me tell you a little bit about my existance. For some reason about three months ago I started getting nearly nightly nightmares that almost always were my brain reliving him dying. I suspect that after I started to get over the emotional shock my brain started to deal with the trauma of what I actually saw. In these dreams/nightmares I keep remembering little details of the moment his eyes rolled back in his head. Stupid things like the colour of the shoes of the first nurse to run in, etc. Like my brain is releasing little bits of the memory night after night.

Then there is what I am going to call the 'memory burn'. It is sort of like an image burned into a monitor that has been left on to long. You know how sometimes people day dream or just sit and want to think about nothing for a bit? I can't do that anymore. As soon as my brain clears of the immediate things the memory of his eyes rolling back comes right in and sits there and I can't shake it.

Then, there are the phone calls I get from friends that he hadn't talked to in a while that didn't know he died and I have to tell them. Then there was his daugther announcing she is getting married last month and him not able to be there. Then there are the bill companies that STILL are giving me a hard time on changing bills into my name and call looking for him. And simply, then there was 7/7 when I just wanted to be held by my husband.

So, Shaddam, I face a lot more every day than some bully, ill-informed, troll. So, troll on. I know how much I loved him and still do love him and I know exactly how much you matter in my life. Easy contest.

07-25-2005, 01:23 PM
Sarah_Jayne Now with more Jayne Industry Role: Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 40,077	You know what? When this was first posted it hurt me so bad that it set my 'recovery' back in a major way. Even more so that pretty much no one on the thread bothered to actually read my response and what actually happened. Now, some seven months on I really could care less what some sad excuse for a troll - ie shaddam - thinks about me or my relationship. Why? Well, firstly because I know exactly how much I loved my husband and how much he loved me. I know for a fact what he would have thought about me having contact with another human being on a day when I needed someone to keep me from essentially killing myself. I don't drink much, I don't smoke and I don't do drugs. So, on that night - my Birthday when I had spent the day opening gifts from my dead husband - I 'tripped up' in a way and fell into the caring arms of a friend who Marc not only knew about but approved of when he was alive. I didn't have intercourse..I didn't even do anything to him but that isn't the point. The point is that there are a total of two people in this thread that knew anything about how Marc would have felt about this - myself and Benzo - and I know for damn sure he would have understood. Now, Shaddam or anyone else here - please tell me to my face that I don't love my husband? You have any idea what the process of moving on with your life after WATCHING your soul mate die in front of you is like? I suspect not. Well, we are now eight months past his death and let me tell you a little bit about my existance. For some reason about three months ago I started getting nearly nightly nightmares that almost always were my brain reliving him dying. I suspect that after I started to get over the emotional shock my brain started to deal with the trauma of what I actually saw. In these dreams/nightmares I keep remembering little details of the moment his eyes rolled back in his head. Stupid things like the colour of the shoes of the first nurse to run in, etc. Like my brain is releasing little bits of the memory night after night. Then there is what I am going to call the 'memory burn'. It is sort of like an image burned into a monitor that has been left on to long. You know how sometimes people day dream or just sit and want to think about nothing for a bit? I can't do that anymore. As soon as my brain clears of the immediate things the memory of his eyes rolling back comes right in and sits there and I can't shake it. Then, there are the phone calls I get from friends that he hadn't talked to in a while that didn't know he died and I have to tell them. Then there was his daugther announcing she is getting married last month and him not able to be there. Then there are the bill companies that STILL are giving me a hard time on changing bills into my name and call looking for him. And simply, then there was 7/7 when I just wanted to be held by my husband. So, Shaddam, I face a lot more every day than some bully, ill-informed, troll. So, troll on. I know how much I loved him and still do love him and I know exactly how much you matter in my life. Easy contest.