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STAR WARS: EPISODE III - The Abridged Script
STAR WARS: EPISODE III - REVENGE OF THE SITH: THE ABRIDGED
SCRIPT?
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
EXT. SPACE
Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera
chasing wildly behind them in a way that only computer
generated scenes can show. We see that they have EWAN
MCGREGOR and HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN in them.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I can hardly tell who is shooting
who in this dizzying space battle
sequence!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty confusing.
EWAN MCGREGOR
No, I mean literally dizzying!
(vomits)
They fly toward CHRISTOPHER LEE'S SHIP so they can rescue
SUPREME CHANCELLOR IAN MCDIARMID.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Oh no, the hangar has shields up!
HAYDEN shoots something next to the shield and they
deactivate.
EWAN MCGREGOR
The thing that powers the shield is
on the outside of the ship?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It's like
a life support system being in a box
on someone's chest.
They land inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I sure am enjoying the feeling of
brotherly camaraderie between us.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the
sort of thing that should have been
in the last film. Oh well, at least
there were scenes of me rolling
around in the grass.
They make their way toward CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN
MCDIARMID, using the help of R2D2, who uses his rockets to
fly again, in spite of everyone trying so hard to forget
that ever happened. They find IAN.
IAN MCDIARMID
Help me! I am trapped in a
comfortable chair overlooking all of
the destruction I have wrought!
Suddenly, CHRISTOPHER LEE enters.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
I have been waiting a long time for
a rematch. Now, you will have to
face a stunt double with my face
pasted on!
They DUEL. CHRISTOPHER LEE easily dispatches EWAN. HAYDEN
fights him and eventually KILLS him.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
Wow, that was it for Christopher
Lee, huh? Seems almost pointless to
have killed Darth Maul and
introduced him in the first place.
HAYDEN, EWAN, and IAN all begin to leave, but they are
CAPTURED and brought before GENERAL GREVIOUS, A ROBOTIC
SKELETON.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
I will now add your lightsabers to
my collection of Star Wars
memorabilia.
He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S STAR WARS LUNCH BOX
WITH THERMOS NO RESERVE!!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Artoo, freak the hell out
obnoxiously!
He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for EWAN to get
his LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an
OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THAT GREVIOUS IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing and wheezing)
I will run like a coward, further
failing to illustrate how
intimidating my character is meant
to be!
HAYDEN crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE.
There is MILD CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by NATALIE
PORTMAN, the linchpin of HAYDEN'S turn to the dark side.
NATALIE PORTMAN
(yawning)
Hayden, I'm pregnant.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
How can you be sure?
NATALIE PORTMAN
Because in a minute or two I'll
actually be showing. Really.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You know, I love you with all the
love one can love a lover with.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Wow, that almost tops your 'wish'
line from the last movie. Tell me
again on the balcony while I brush
my hair and look vaguely hideous.
We cut to HAYDEN having a nightmare about NATALIE giving
birth to a GUNGAN. NATALIE is visibly pregnant now in a
single shot, the only indicator at all that any time has
passed since the previous scene. Nothing happens for a
while, and eventually HAYDEN seeks the advice of IAN
MCDIARMID.
INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING
IAN MCDIARMID
You seem worried about Natalie
dying. Also, you're confused about
being a Jedi.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
They don't want me to fuck Natalie
Portman. That's insanity. Did you
see her in Closer? Holy fuck.
IAN MCDIARMID
Did you know that those who embrace
the Dark Side have a lot of powers
that Jedi do not? For example, they
can influence that midichlorian
bullshit to create life.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Create life? Wait, are you implying
that my supposed virgin birth was--
IAN MCDIARMID
And they can stop others from
dying.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Stop others? Like, if someone force
chokes them and they start to die
because of it hours later?
IAN MCDIARMID
Yup.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
That's distracting enough that I'll
not bother following up on the other
thing you said.
Meanwhile...
EXT. KASHYYK
YODA leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The
scene is utterly superfluous and present solely to have a
scene containing WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the STAR
WARS UNIVERSE seem even smaller with more cameos by
characters from the original trilogy.
CHEWBACCA
Nyaaarrrgghh.
EXT. UTAPAU
EWAN MCGREGOR finds out that GENERAL GREVIOUS is hiding on
UTAPAU. He jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.
IGUANA
Shriek! Shriek!
The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the
AUDIENCE MISERABLE during any scene containing it. EWAN
rides it up to GENERAL GREVIOUS and challenges him.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I will attempt to destroy you now,
without waiting for my support
troops to arrive.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
Are you serious? You've lost
literally every single duel you've
been a part of except for the one
with Darth Maul. Hayden constantly
mentions how many times he has saved
you. What have you done in the
entire prequel trilogy so far to
prove that you're actually a decent
fighter?
EWAN MCGREGOR
Hey, I sorta beat Jango Fett. So,
what's with the coughing, do droids
get colds or something?
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(wheezing)
Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a
droid. Check it out, I have an
actual beating heart.
EWAN shoots it and GREVIOUS'S HEAD explodes in a ball of
fire.
EWAN MCGREGOR
That made sense.
INT. CORUSCANT
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs up to SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING
JACKSON
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Samuel, I rented the original Star
Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
pretty sure Ian McDiarmid is a Sith
Lord.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Then it's time to get medieval on
some ass.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Let me come with you.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
No, go your room.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON and some OTHER JEDI go to
see IAN. Meanwhile HAYDEN stares out the window of the JEDI
TEMPLE, toward NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT. Though he says
nothing, we can see that he is conflicted, trying to decide
between his commitment to the Jedi order and his love for
his wife. NATALIE, at the same time, gazes toward the Jedi
Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
How pathetic is it that the most
well-acted scene between us is the
one in which we are in separate
buildings and have no lines?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON enters IAN MCDIARMID'S
CHAMBER.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Ian, you're under arrest for being
a manipulative motherfucker.
IAN MCDIARMID
I got a threshold, Jedi. I got a
threshold for the abuse I'll take.
And right now I'm a race car and you
got me in the red. I'm just saying
that it's fuckin' dangerous to have
a racecar in the fuckin' red. It
could blow.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?
IAN MCDIARMID
I could blow.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin'
motherfucker, motherfucker! Every
time my fingers touch my lightsaber
I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of
Navarone.
Suddenly, IAN pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward the
JEDI, pulls his arm back, aims at a Jedi, kills him, pulls
his blade out, moves toward another, and slowly kills him
too, all while SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON twirls his
lightsaber around pointlessly behind them. Once only SAMUEL
is left, they DUEL. IAN makes silly faces and is eventually
beaten.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Let me read to you from the book of
Ezekiel for a--
Suddenly, IAN unleashes some force lightning on SAMUEL,
which he absorbs into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back
onto IAN, which causes him to grow old, apprently. Despite
this, IAN refuses to stop doing it.
IAN MCDIARMID
Must... bridge... gap... to...
original... trilogy...
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN arrives.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you really can absorb force
lightning with a lightsaber. Someone
really, really needs to tell Luke
that. Anyway, Ian, I think Samuel is
about to rip you a new one, mind
telling me how to save Natalie real
quick?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Fuck that, I'm killing this geezer
now.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You can't. He must stand trial.
Killing him now would be.. er, well
it would be exactly the same as when
I killed Christoper Lee in the
beginning of the movie.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
You're actually right, but I'm
going to kill him anyway.
HAYDEN stops him and IAN throws him out the window, a fall
which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED JEDI CAPABLE OF
SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Ian.
IAN MCDIARMID
That was fast. Well, now that you
have taken a single, somewhat
justifiable step toward the Dark
Side, there's no turning back. Go
kill all of the Jedi in the temple,
including the children.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Right, go kill the children. Got it.
IAN MCDIARMID
Well, kill everyone, not just--
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the
children now! Whee!
He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Jedi,
while the challenging task of murdering children can only be
undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE SITH.
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