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My dislike of Canadians began in college. Prior to that I had never met a Canadian. Living in Washington State (or as some insist, Palestine) I had probably ran into a couple, but I had probably mistakenly assumed that the speech impediment and the eyes that set too far apart were a result of some inbreeding by the residents of Tumwater. A whole community of inbreeders. But I digress...
At the beginning of the fall semester, 3 girls (1 semiattractive, 2 buffalo) moved in across from us in our apartment complex. In retrospect I should have viewed what came next as a warning of what was to come. Before they did anything else, like build a nest for burrowing into at night, or shaving, they installed the prerequisite Canadian flag.
No big whoop I thought, exchange students.
Being Canadian they immediately began drinking, and I dont mean drinking, I mean DRINKING... it even startled me at first. Hell, I even thought it was a admirable trait... at first. And soon after one of my friends began banging one of the water buffalo, and another friend started procreating with the half decent one that had a voice as deep as a mans. unnerving.
It was right about now that I began to realize the massive chip that rests on all Canadians shoulders.
I saw someone ask them if they were Americans.
With their reaction you may very well have assumed he had just told them that he had just returned from raping their grandmothers, or the elders of the herd.
We all laughed at their reaction and were subsequently thrown out of their apartment. oh no. But not before I could streal some of their hay. But thats a whole different story.
Soon we began taunting them because we knew it got a reaction out of them. Sometimes very violent. We soon learned that the worse thing you can call a Canadian, is an American. They would sit around and moo about how Canada was great and that there was lots of grazing space and the sun felt good when it fell upon their coats. And of course each and every time we would inform them of the greatness of America, their basic Canadian education prevented them from arguing with us. So in true Canadian style they resorted to more drinking and violence... and we all got thrown out of the barn again.
This went on for a couple months before we started feeling like it was our patriotic duty to get them deported or at least make them voluntarily leave. So began the campaign.
Really, shouldnt use the word "campaign", it was much simpler to achieve than we had hoped.
I installed key trappers on their computers and had it email me the logs every night. And every night like clockwork, we had a fresh batch of boyfriend trouble, family trouble, school trouble, and best of all... lots of good ol fashioned Canuck inferiority induced American bashing sent to the herd back home.
We saved it up until we could see some patters and establish some good story lines... who was who, what was what, and then we began systematically emailing it to everyone they knew. What? Your boyfriend didnt know you were fucking someone else? He does now. Your American History professor doesnt know that you dislike Americans as much as you dislike bathing? He does now. Parents didnt know you liked to give blowjobs at parties... they... do ... now.
The devastation was swift and yielded almost instant results. One girl was back in the cattle car headed for home within a couple days. The remaining two didnt last much longer.
America was safe.
Jump ahead a couple years.
I am doing a year in Helsinki Finland as part of an exchange program.
Guess who else was there?
Canadians. Somehow they had scraped up enough money to send a few.
And the drinking begins.
I became friends with this kid named Neil, he was cool as hell, he couldnt help it he was Canadian. We would get piss drunk almost every night.
I decided to try my theory out on Neil and the rest of the herd. Sure enough, when asked if they were Americans, the reaction ranged from disbelief to horror and rage.
I also noticed that everything they had with them, or took with them on outings, had Canadian flags on them. I mean EVERYTHING. So I ask... "why all the Canadian flags Neil?" "So nobody will mistake me for being an American Labret." Yeah, god forbid someone mistake you belonging to the worlds largest super power... whatever turns your crank Neil.
And sure enough, everywhere we went, if another Canuck was within 5 miles, they would run over happy to see a fellow member of the herd. It was fun watching them sniff each other.
One night we were at a bar and several Finns joined us. I dont know why the Finns decided to start bashing Canada, maybe they know something we dont, but they did. In broken english, the Finns went on a rampage. Within 5 minutes Neil was crying. Seriously, crying. I felt bad, Neil was an ok guy, he couldnt help where he was from. He just didnt understand what all the hatred was aboot.
Canadians have a chip on their shoulder. A HUGE one. They live in the shadow of their big brother and it kills them. They get no recognition from the rest of the world. All they want it to be recognized... thats why they always use the "we are the best, the jewnited nations says so"... bleh bleh bleh. And when they get recognition, they are confused with Americans. Which REALLY kills them.
Nothing infuriates a Canadian more than confusing him with his Superior. Its fun, try it out.
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