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Top Ten Signs You're on a Bad Cruise
10. Lavish buffet turns out to be three bags of Doritos and a quart of Pepsi.
9. Welcome aboard drink made with tetracycline and erythromycin
8. When you ask the cruise director where the lifeboat is, he points to a fat guy.
7. It's 10 AM, and Captain Hazelwood has a thermos full of martinis.
6. Not only is Kathie Lee there, but also that elephant that tramples people.
5. Ship doctor only qualified to give tattoos
4. You have to share a room with Captain Stubing.
3. Gopher is an actual gopher.
2. You wake up with barnacles all over your ass.
1. Name of the boat: The S.S. Amtrak
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Sleep well, and dream of large women.
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