Here are some random Family Guy quotes...their humor may be partially lost in print, and if you're not a fan of the show
Peter: NOOOO! Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn Longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?
Peter: Listen Lois, I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.
[Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor.]
Peter: Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?
Peter: Wow, is that really the blood of Christ?
Preacher: Yes, it is.
Peter: Holy crap, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day.
Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.
Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white mans dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.
Peter: We love the Bible in this house.
Francis Griffin: Really. What's your favorite book of the Bible?
Peter: Uhhhhh... the book where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the yellow hat has to take him to the hospital.
Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!
Peter: Have they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on him?
Brian: You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: No, they've never done that.
Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a RANT here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antetum. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskalnakov filibuster dioxymonohydrostinate.
Peter: What the hell does RANT mean?
Peter: Make like Siamese twins and split ... and then one of you die.
Lois: A flight attendant? Wow, that does sound exciting. What made you change your mind?
Peter: Just my desire to see you happy.
Lois: Aww .... (hugs peter)
Peter: And to exploit your hard labour for free travel and fun.
Lois: What?
Peter: Shhh ... I didn't say anything. Go to sleep crazy lady.
Cop Radio: We have a gang shooting on 3rd and Main. Three wounded, one dead.
Brian: Is it just me or is rap getting lazier?
Meg: Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter: Meg ... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell cant drive?