|
Purveyor, Fine Asian Porn
Industry Role:
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 38,323
|
What We Need is a GFY Chili Cook-Off
I once had to judge a fraternity chili cook-off. Big mistake.
Anyway, years later I came across this joke, and it brought back some memories - I know it's old and some of you have seen it already, but for the benefit of those who haven't, here it goes...
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking directions where I
could find the Budweiser truck, when the call came
in.
I was assured by the other two Judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge #1--A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge #2--Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3--(me). Holy SHIT, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge #1--Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno
tang.
Judge #2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously.
Judge #3--Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm
not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I
had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge #1--Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs
more beans.
Judge #2--A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of
peppers.
Judge #3--Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I
ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. Plus, I'm
getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge #1--Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge #2--Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
Judge #3--I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills. That 300 pound bitch is starting
to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.
Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge #1--Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2--Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
Judge #3--My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge #1--Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2--The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3--My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I
farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge #1--A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
Judge #2--Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should take note that I am worried about Judge #3, he
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge #3--You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the
autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
Judge #1--The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
Judge #2--This final entry is a good, balance chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was
lost when
Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled
the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor bugger, I wonder how he'd have
reacted to a really hot chili?
ADG Webmaster
|