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Fundamentalist Jedi Terrorists Destroy Death Star
MOS EISLEY (DPI) - A fringe group of radical Jedi fundamentalists continued their campaign of terror Sunday, destroying the Death Star in a horrifying fireball that has shocked the Empire. Hundreds of thousands are believed to have perished in the destruction, which left mountain-sized fragments of the giant space station floating as far as half a galaxy away. The attack is the latest in a series of surgical strikes by the militant Light Side Jedi rebel group which oppose the Empire's control of key Trade Federation routes.
"It was horrible, just horrible," said Mrs. Barda Link, who saw the explosion on television from her Bespin home. Link recently sent the second of her two sons into the prestigious Stormtrooper Academy. She is unsure whether her sons were stationed on the Death Star at the time of the blast. "We'll just continue to hope and pray that the horrible monsters that perpetrated this evil, cowardly deed will be brought to justice."
Authorities have identified one prime suspect, a robe-clad, Bantha-herding idealist from an obscure desert planet. In the streets of Mos Espa, pro-Light Side youth were seen cheering the attacks, shouting for the liberation of Endor and release of known interplanetary smuggler and cop killer Han Solo from the dragnet of Imperial law enforcement.
Lord Vader, who himself narrowly avoided the blast, called for citizens to remain calm yet vigilant. "Now is a time for all of the peoples of this great galaxy to put aside our differences as Gungans, Wookiees, Jawas, Neimoidians and men, and unite behind our noble Emperor. We will win the war against the Forces of Light."
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