Don't look like saving my relationship is an option
I just got back.. what a complete waste of time.... I left here yesterday @ noon, arrived in salem @ 6pm.. I knocked on my wife's mothers door, & she & my wife both said GO AWAY!! & they said they were calling the police, which they did.. & then I was served a restraining order.... FUCK!! How do you communicate to someone that you are sorry, & that things will be different when they pull this bullshit... this just hurts me.. If she left my daughter with me, then I'd feel a little better.. they are my babies too.. why does she have to take her from me like that.. I love her so much, & she loves me.. she's only hurting her as well as hurting me.. I don't want my little girl to be hurting & confused.. she's too little to understand.. this is not fair.. I cant go through this... I lost 2 children before, & it nearly killed me.. my 3rd child, my 1st with my wife, is the one who brought me out of despair & depression of my previous loss, & I am so attached to her.. It is killing me inside right now to fear that I may not see her again, or for a very long time.. now I'm just going crazy again.. I thought I had a plan, but now I'm so fricken depressed & messed up inside, I don't know anymore.. all I know now is hurt & sad.. It took a very long time for me to recover emotionally & mentally from the loss of my first two children, & slowly I healed a little, but still always carry them in my heart & think about them.. what was left of my heart, I fear has just been ripped out of me, & now the pain is more than I can take..,. I wanna scream.... I even fucking prayed to god who stood by & watched me beg & plea for his help.. I'm starting to crack & I tried to have faith, but after today, I feel hopeless... I didnt even get 2 words out of my mouth.. I knocked, & her & her mom told me to leave, & I said why, & then I heard them on phone calling police, so I left, & then cops drove up to me walking away & asked me questions, & told me she has a restraining order, & they gave me a copy.. how do i convince her that things are going to work out & get better if I can't contact her.. this is confusing me... I know I shouldnt spill my guts like this, but I just need to express myself, cuz If I just bottle it up inside, it just hurts more.. Well, after the police left, I tried to contact a friend.. he moved.. I couldnt find him.. went to visit another old pal.. he wasnt home.. I wandered for hours.. hoping to find someone to talk to, & nobody was around.. I feel so alone & distraught.. it's so empty here.. so quiet.. I don't like it... I'm so confused again.. what if I give up on this biz, & she still dont come back?? Then I am giving it up for nothing.. but if I stay, I can keep trying & eventually make a healthy income..
Well... I have to go to court on the 22nd to contest the restraining order.. I don't know how the process works, but I hope so much I can get through to her & convince her that things will be different & win her heart again.. & I will leave porn out of my family & relationship... but if she still wont come back, then It's going to hurt me so much, & my children will suffer as well, & that hurts me yet again some more, so much fucking hurt... I hate this shit....what if I'm not allowed to see my babies.. I'll fucking die inside... I won't be able to bear that.. NOOO!!!!!!!