The Heron

A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion wine before hand and had to piss really bad. So when the next guy was done with his confession the priest asked him, "Would you mind sitting in for me while I piss?"
The man being a pleasant soul said sure no problem. So the priest showed the man a list of sins and the corresponding penances to go along with them. So the man was pretty secure that he had things under control.
The man was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Mary's, Rosaries and everything was going good. Then a lady came in said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."
So the man looked on his list for Blowjob but couldn't find it. He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked Dick, and Oral Sex but couldn't find a penance.
So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a blowjob?"
To which the kid replied, "He usually gives us two candy bars and a soda pop."


Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After
3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd
really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".


A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee.
One says, "Your *thing* doesn't have any skin on it!"
"Of course, not! I've been circumcised."
"What does that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said they did it on the eighth day after I was born."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt! I couldn't walk for a year!"

The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."
"The artwork," says Robert.
"Very good. And you, Peter?"
"Her tits!" says Peter.
"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust, "And you, Johnny?"
"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."

A Russian and an Aussie were competing for the Olympic Gold in wrestling.
Before the final match, the Aussie's trainer warned him, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of his Pretzal hold. Whatever you do, don't let him get you into the pretzal hold, because there is no escape.
The match began and the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Aussie, and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzal hold.
The crowd sighed, and the Aussie's trainer buried his head in his hands.
But suddenly there was a SCREAM, and then a cheer from the crowd.
The trainer looked up, to see the big russian flying through the air. The Australian weakly collapsed on top of the russian, and won the match.
His trainer was astounded. He asked "How did you ever get out of that hold? No-one has ever done that before!"
The wrestler replied "Well I was ready to give up when he got me, but at the very last moment I looked up and saw a pair of balls in front of my face", he explained, "I had nothing to lose, so I streched out my neck and bit down on those babies as hard as I could."
The coach listened with anticipation, "and you'd be amazed what you can do when you bite your own balls."

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but you know it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
"Oh, well that's different...." she says. "Send her in!"

Antonio came home from school one day and walked into the kitchen. His grandma Carlita asked him, "Antonio, what did you learn in school today?"
Antonio replied, "Well, we learned about penises, and vaginas, and sexual intercourse, and masturbation."
Grandma hauled off and slapped Antonio, hard. He ran up to his room, crying. Antonio's mother walked in and cried, "Ma! Why did you go and hit Antonio!?"
Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned in school today. He started talking about sex, and penises, and masturbation!"
Antonio's mother said, "Ma! That's what they learn. It's called sex education!"
Well, Grandma Carlita felt bad about hitting Antonio, so she went upstairs to apologize. When she opened his bedroom door she found him on his bed masturbating. Without a blink, she said, "Antonio, when you're finished with your homework, come downstairs and talk to me."

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.
John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
Two days later.
George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but she sure isn't a lot better than your wife."

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a condom. The clerk asks, "Shall I put this on your bill?" The duck angrily replies, "What kind of duck do you think i am?"

A man is driving late one Saturday night when a cop pulls him over. The
policeman walked up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving?"
"No," replies the policeman, "you were driving fine. It's the ugly fat
chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

The boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?".
"What ? You're crazy???!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up.."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"My love.. don't be like that.."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says. "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"


MEDICAL NEWS FLASH
Viagra now available in liquid form.
FDA officials today announced the release of the wonder drug Viagra in a new, easy-to-take liquid form.
Now, when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour themselves a stiff one

A man walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.
Checking his wallet for the necessary funds, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she answers with a
knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am" The man replies "Well wash your bloody hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

A soldier stepped up to the medic for a short-arm inspection. The medic noticed a dot on the end of his penis and asked about it.
"That's my girlfriend's name, sir," he replied. "Her name is Dot?" asked the medic "No sir," said the soldier, "when I get an erection it spells DOROTHY JEAN CUNNINGHAM.
The next patient comes in and undresses. The first thing the medic notices, of course, is the row of dots on the man's penis. "I see you too have a tattoo of your girlfriend's name on your penis," he says.
"Oh no," the patient replies, "when I get an erection it says: Welcome to Jamaica, mon, we hope you will enjoy you stay."

A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"
"1956," was his reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, ..."It's only 2014 now."