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Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You watch videos in fast-forward.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You've worn the finish off you coffee table.

The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.

You're so wired you pick up FM radio.

Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."

Instant coffee takes too long.

You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.

You name your cats Cream and Sugar.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup