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Confirmed User
Industry Role:
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Orlando
Posts: 9,024
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Quote:
Originally posted by plyndrty
My wife sent me this Choker, pretty funny...
>*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING* [Guys take note.]
>
>Rule One:
>If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
>package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
>Rule Two:
>You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long
>as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your
eyes
>or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
>Rule Three:
>I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
>wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
>hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
>friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
>about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the
>door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I
>will not object. However,
in
>order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the
>course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun
>and
fasten
>your trousers securely in place to your waist.
>Rule Four:
>I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing
>a Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
>comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
>Rule Five:
>It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
>other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
>day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is
>an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
>house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is:
"early"
>Rule Six:
>I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
>date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
>daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl you
>will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with
you.
>If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
>Rule Seven:
>As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
>and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
>be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
>putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the
>Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
>something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
>Rule Eight:
>The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
>Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places
>where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands,
>or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
introduce
>my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
>other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to
>her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be
>avoided;
movies
>which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks
>homes are better.
>Rule Nine:
>Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
>middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
>I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you
>where you
are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun,a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
>Rule Ten:
>Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
>sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over
>a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the
>voices
in
>my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring
>my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should
>exit the
car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a
>clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early,
>then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The
>camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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That is funny as hell. Mind if I use it? |