"10 WAYS TO COVER YOUR ASS".
HOW TO AVOID BEING CAUGHT or suspected of being WITH ANOTHER WOMAN
So, if like me, you hate those short-time hotels and much prefer the comfort of your own room, make sure you clean up all the evidence after the "crime" has been committed. In order to avoid being caught by your nosey and inquisitive girlfriend or wife whom typically has a nose for anything "fishy", I would reccomend the following which I have devised as a checklist of things to do after the paid-sex has ended and Miss Bargirl has bow-leggedly squelched herself home and out of your room.
1. Change the bed sheets. (Yeah its obvious and it may be your mum's job, but how many of us actually do change the sheets after the event?).
2. Clean all cups (lipstick on the rim may be a pleasant sight, but when on the rim of a cup/glass it can be troublesome evidence)
3. Sweep/vacuum the floor (pubic hair on the tiles!!!! A Colombo-esque girlfriend will spot it from 100 meters....and she'll know its not hers)
4. Empty the ash-trays (lipsticked fags & butts belong in Patpong. Not in your ashtray.)
5. Empty the bin (an empty sack is better than a full one!! People say the eyes are the window to ones sole. But that's bollocks. The bin is the window to ones sole. Just imagine.........condom wrappers, ripped panties, KY jelly, a John Denver CD and peanut butter........its a dead give away! You romantic fool !!)
6. Do the Dusting (simply don your favourite maid uniform and get cleaning. One stray hair typically found by your NOW Mac-wearing, cigar smoking & Colombo mimicking girlfriend ..........and its all over.
7. Shower and Basin Plugholes (We've all fingered worse, so please, enthusiastically get into the task. Again, the key here is HAIR. !!!........Audible utterances of "ah......there's just one more thing" as your girlfriend/wife scratches her head are a true sign that you should stop fantasising about Colombo or....... she has found her golden pube of evidence.
8. Check the shirt you wore last night. (How many times have you cussed & snarled at the make-up covered collar of your prised 70's $4 shirt? This is irrefutable evidence. Can't blame it on lovely Mrs Colombo, coz on TV I reckon she does not exist anyway)
9. Wash/shower your philandering body of all that's musty and crusty (agreed, you should not have let her ride your face. Any hint of a pubic beard or smell of tuna will send your, BY NOW, unattractive, mind-warpingly-annoying, self-styled Colombo t-rak into a flying and raging blur of dirty brown Macs, sweaty loose wigs and verbal incoherence.
10. Ply the Receptionist/security guard/bellboy (money talks!! Its an old one, but its true. Pay a friendly member of staff to keep a lookout for you. Your lookout may be worth their weight in gold. Make sure your selected lookout is a man, preferably the security guard, because he is the first one to spot your old battle-axe as she thunders up the road with her castration equipment in-hand.)
taken from
http://www.chopsticks.net/stickman/reader.html