AHSROCFT: ?I WILL STOP THE TERRORISTS WITH MY MIND?
The Pentagon ? US Attorney General John Ahscrocft declared a new front on the global war on terror today: the inner workings of his mind.
?Terrorists of Earth, heed my warning,? Ahsrocft boomed at a press conference this morning. ?Beware the devious workings of my magnificent brain, as I will crush your souls with my finely acute telekinetic powers. Your children will see my face in their nightmares!?
Ahscrocft wowed viewers as he then proceeded to crush a cinder block while standing 20 feet away. It is reported that Ahscrocft received his magic powers after praying to Jesus to aide him in smiting the heathen terrorist menace. Jesus, in swift response, granted Ahscrocft telekinetic powers.
Later, Ahscrocft unveiled plans for a world tour, where he will demonstrate his powers on a full-scale attack on terrorist cells and organizations. He refused to give specifics as to exactly where and when he will strike, but assured that no terrorist will be left on earth with an intact skull.
?In the shadows, I will be waiting for you, and in the dark recesses of your infant mortal brain, you shall see the true face of Ahscrocft.?