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Yeah the realization of death is scary moment. There is a huge difference between knowing your are going to die and realizing it. I spent 6 months in therapy, lost 30 pounds and had panic attacks for over a year.
I remember the moment. I was around 21 laying in bed doing my usual thinking and wrap up for the day in my mind. Then something happened that didn't usually. I was thinking about mortality and life span. Stuff I normally think about and it doesn't really do anything wierd to me as far as physical reactions go.
But on this night something clicked and I was able to truely conceptualize mortality and the scope of time. I had a severe physical reaction and a feeling I had never had before. I thought I had just flipped and I was going to be crazy after I came out of the episode.
Certain sequence of thoughts as I call it came into play. From what I remember it had to do with time and time perception. I was looking at my life and the time it took for me to reach this point. In my mind the time it took to reach the age of 21 was only a flash and there was no sense of time-lapse. Then I equated the fact that at some point I "will" be 70-80 years of age looking at my life and it will be the same flash. There will be no seeming span of time.
It's funny now even as I type this there is no physical reaction to the thought of death and time. That's why I say there is a difference between knowing you are going to die and realizing it. I think for that year of my life I was able to truely realize my mortality.
It's taken years and I still deal with the thoughts of death everyday. But I am able to go about my life now, im not paralized with the thoughts of death.
This all happened at the best time in my life. I was 21 years old I had made my first million. I was in the best shape of my life, I had a great girlfriend and friends. I think it was the idea that this was going to have to end at some point that helped trigger it.
It wasn't all bad having this realization. Before I had my realization I had an attitude that people who have "mental" problems like anxiety were weak and I had a terrible lack of respect for religious people.
After my bout with death anxiety I have a whole new respect for mental illness and religion. Though I am not religious there were moments during my anxiety attacks that I was beggin for "god" or something to show me there is more to life then just this existanct. I hoped for anything. Heaven/Hell whatever. It helped me realize why religion was really created. As humans we are the only species that can realize our own mortality. With this gift and curse we need a crutch to help us through. The idea that there is some special force and place out there helps many cope with mortality.
So in the end I think I am a better person. It was essentially the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. In my worst moment all I wanted was my normal feelings back. I wanted all the problems of everyday life all the things that the anxiety had robbed me of. There is nothing like being overcomed by one feeling. All you want is your old life back with all of it's problems trials, tribulations and happy points.
Sorry to ramble. This is just something I have dealth with for many years and I have lots to say about it.
-Tony
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