Just on my E-mail....
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC
August 17, 2004
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of
the
Taliban and El Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay,
Cuba. My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion
was
heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn
that, thanks
to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of
the Terrorist
Retraining Program to be called "Liberals Accept Responsibility
for Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to place one terrorist
under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and
scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence
next
Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is
to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of admonishment.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly
inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are
commensurate with those
you so strongly recommended in your letter. Ahmed's meal requirements
are simple, but
we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require utensils,
particularly knives and forks.
Also, these should be "finger foods"; Ahmed will not eat with his left
hand since he uses it
to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your
yard)- but look on the bright
side... no increase in the toilet paper bill!
He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that
it rains, and he
washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water
bill. Also, your new
friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn't been completely
remedied. Please heed
the large orange notice attached to your detainee. Although Ahmed is
sociopath and
extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity and kindness will help
him overcome these
character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems
as mere cultural
differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test
came back negative so
not to worry. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish
human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do
not suggest that you
ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also
expert at
making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household
products, so you may
wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might
offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except
sexually) since he views
females as a subhuman form of property. However, he will be eager to
assist with the
education of your sons-have several copies of the Q'uran available for
their use. Oh - and
rest assured that he absolutely loves animals especially cats and dogs.
He prefers them
roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more than 2 or 3 days
dead.
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you, who know so much,
keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think this watching
over each other's
shoulder is such a good way for people to interact that we will be
sending a team of federal
officials with expertise in your line of work to your place of business
soon, just to help you
do your job better. Don't be concerned that they have the power to close
your business,
seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206
federal laws, codes,
regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're really
there just to make sure
you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?
Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued
member of the citizenry.
You take good care of Ahmed - and remember... we'll be watching.
Cordially,
George W. Bush