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Things you have to believe to be a Democrat today
1. That the state-sanctioned killing of horrible, violent criminals who rape and murder children is, in itself, murder while the killing of innocent unborn children is a medical procedure.
2. That when President Bush made his case for war in Iraq based upon intelligence he received, he was lying to the American people and when John Edwards made exactly the same case for exactly the same war based on exactly the same intelligence, he was misled.
3. That Fox News's single-digit market share of television news as a whole constitutes an "Institutional Bias to the Right" within the media.
4. That mustard gas and sarin gas are not weapons of mass destruction and the fact that they have been found in significant quantities inside Iraq are not proof that Saddam was in violation of U.N. sanctions.
5. That the United Nations is a viable international body, free of corruption and acting in the best interest of the world as a whole.
6. That the solution to the healthcare crisis in America is to elect a trial lawyer who made millions running doctors out of business in North Carolina to the nation's second highest office.
7. That Sandy Berger "accidentally" removed highly classified documents from the archives by mixing them up with the stuff that he normally carries around with him stuffed down his pants and in his socks.
8. That the no-bid contract awarded to Halliburton by the Clinton administration under which Halliburton is currently operating in Iraq was awarded as part of Hillary's Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.
9. That the Democratic Party Chairman and his puppeteers actually want John Kerry to win the election in November.
10. That there is a type-o in the Constitution. Al Gore won the election in 2000 because he had more votes. That Electoral College thing wasn't really supposed to be there.
11. That people like Whoopie Goldberg and Michael Moore represent the "heart and soul" of America.
12. That, if given a vote, Osama bin Laden would vote for anyone other than John Kerry.
13. That we need to bow down to the French, Germans, and Russians and ask their permission before taking any action in our country's own defense.
14. That Clinton had a better reason for turning down the Sudanese offer to hand over Osama than "Hold on a minute, guys. I can't make this decision with my pants around my ankles."
15. That today's economy is in horrible shape and that the stock market, the Federal Reserve, and the Labor Department are all on drugs.
16. That the way to really stimulate the economy is to take back the Bush tax cuts because, of course, less money in the economy really stimulates spending.
17. That John Kerry's face would actually fit on a Presidential portrait. Come on, guys. They're not that big!
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