Although I love Canada...The Customs people seriously suck ass. Grab a drink, sit back, and enjoy my latest story.....
A couple of days ago I drove up to Vancouver, BC to pick get MaskedMan and bring him to Seattle to watch the Mariners game. I purchased a bottle of rum at the US duty free store, had a great time in Vancouver, then returned to the US the following day without any issues.
This morning we rolled into the duty free store, picked up 3 more bottles, then proceeded through Customs.
This is where it started to get fun.
The Customs dude asked about liquor and I gave him an honest answer (at least I thought so at the time...More on this later...) that we had 4 bottles with us. I explained that I had just been through a couple of days before and had not been home to drop off my other bottle. Now he sends us into the office.
The cashier bitch decided to help us but all she can do is play 20 question and supply no answers or resolutions. So she has us sit down and wait to speak with an officer.
30 minutes later I approached the counter to see why I had not been contacted yet and she says she will go find out. Then she walked over to an officer, gave him our ID's and explaied the situation. WTF? Why did she not do this 30 minutes ago? Dumb bitch.
Now the Customs officer wants me to return 2 of the bottles of booze and search my vehicle. No problem man...Here's the keys....I'll be right back.
Off we go to return 2 bottles.
Upon return the dude grabs me and sends MaskedMan away. He says we have a bit of a problem and points to a pile of stuff that he has coverd up sitting next to the car.
Take a break, sip some beer, then continue on.....
Customs dude pulls back the cover and there sits an open bottle of Vodka, a closed bottle of Scotch, and a box of 420 calendars. Dude looks at me and asks for an explanation.
The open bottle....Uh...I forgot that was in here. Throw it away if you want.
The bottle of Scotch....I bought that in London. It's a gift for my Uncle. It's been in the back for a couple of weeks and I forgot about that too.
He tells me he is really concerned about the calendars and askes why I have them. I tell him I was returning the box to my friend. Now the guy starts in about Canadian law Bla bla 80219er alpha tango 7u or some shit like that. As if that means anything to me.
He explains that the pot in the pictures sends up a red flag and that he may have to take me in the back, strip me down, and fondle me in places that even my doctors have never approached. (although this sounds like fun, I decide not to mention that to him) Then he will dismantle my car. So he starts in about drug trafficing questions then tells me to go back inside and he will continue his search. If he is satisfied then fine, if not......Well...You get the picture.
Oh yeah...Now there are 2 more bottles of alchol involved. So while Barney Fife is sniffing around for drugs, I said fuck it and gave the other 2 bottles to the stupid cashier bitch. Now I have the bottle of Scotch and the bottle I bought a few days ago.
After almost 2.5 hours of them fucking around and Immagration asking me about some California ID card that I have never had but they say I do....they decide that I can not enter the country with these calendars and they send me back to the US.
US Customs flags me now because I was just turned around by Canadian Customs.
Drink break
Moving on..........
The US Agent askes me if MaskedMan and I are doing "The boy / boy thing." I said no but that MaskedMan was single and I could see if he was interested. THe Customs dude did not appreciate my humor.
He asked why Canada turned us back and I told him about the calendars. He asked more specific questions.....Now US Customs is searching my car.
Dude returns and tells me that they will also not allow me into the US with them either and he escorts me over to a trash dumpster to dispose of them. He said "We don't usually do this." To which I replied..."I understand...You and your buddies all want a copy." He says "No, we have better things to do." I answered with "So do I but here we are anyway."
Sooooo......On the way back to the office, dude tells me that my tags are expired on the car. Sure as shit...They expired back in February and DMV never sent me notification. He over looks that and we get back into the office.
Now he wants to bust my chops about importing textiles into the US. I ask him WTF he is talking about and he refers to a box of 4 PlayboyCash Babydoll shirts. He says that they are clealy not for me and that he can not allow me to import them.
Uh........I went 100 feet outside of the US, never left Customs...Where in the fuck do you think I am importing them from you asshole? He "Allows" me to keep them because he knows I am headed right back to Canada but warns me not to return with them.
Off we go back to Canadian Customs. We end up with a dude who looks exactly like the first guy. He starts asking me the same fucking questions and I stopped him dead in his tracks and said: "Look man. We were here almost 3 fucking hours ago. You flagged us and sent us into the building. Tell me WTF you want me to do so that I can enter this country, drop off my friend, and get the fuck out because clearly, I am not wanted there.
The guy looks at me, tells me that was his identical twin brother and that he is a jerk. Then he tells me to stay as long as I want and to have a nice day. Never even asking for ID.
The end.
