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"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas (1900-1966)
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
- Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
"It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating."
- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"When ideas fail, words come in very handy."
- Goethe (1749-1832)
"In the end, everything is a gag."
- Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977)
"The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people."
- Lucille S. Harper
"You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
- Yogi Berra
"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known."
- Walt Disney (1901-1966)
"He who hesitates is a damned fool."
- Mae West (1892-1980)
"Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater."
- Gail Godwin
"University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small."
- Henry Kissinger (1923-)
"The graveyards are full of indispensable men."
- Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)
"You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty."
- Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)
"Behind every great fortune there is a crime."
- Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)
"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning."
- Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)
"I am not young enough to know everything."
- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his."
- General George Patton (1885-1945)
"Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
"There is no sincerer love than the love of food."
- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking."
- Katherine Cebrian
"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it."
- Steven Wright
"Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour."
- Gioacchino Rossini (1792-1868)
"Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure."
- Oliver Herford (1863-1935)
"I have read your book and much like it."
- Moses Hadas (1900-1966)
"The covers of this book are too far apart."
- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles hahahahahars. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them."
- Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)
"Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end."
- Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971)
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung."
- Voltaire (1694-1778)
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."
- Mae West (1892-1980)
"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."
- Elvis Presley (1935-1977)
"No Sane man will dance."
- Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
"Hell is a half-filled auditorium."
- Robert Frost (1874-1963)
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
- Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)
"Vote early and vote often."
- Al Capone (1899-1947)
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
"Few things are harder to put up with than a good example."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"Hell is other people."
- Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
"I am become death, shatterer of worlds."
- Robert J. Oppenheimer (1904-1967) (citing from the Bhagavad Gita, after witnessing the world's first nuclear explosion)
"Happiness is good health and a bad memory."
- Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)
"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."
- Thomas Jones
"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
- Al Capone (1899-1947)
"The gods too are fond of a joke."
- Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
"Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes."
- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
"The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting."
- Gloria Leonard
"It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man."
- Professor Scott Elledge on his retirement from Cornell
"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
- Robert Orben
"The cynics are right nine times out of ten."
- Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
"There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem."
- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him."
- Revelations 6:8
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"Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance."
- Plato (427-347 B.C.)
"Plato was a bore."
- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal."
- Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)
"I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy."
- Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)
"Hemingway was a jerk."
- Harold Robbins
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"Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things."
- Epictetus (55-135 A.D.)
"What about things like bullets?"
- Herb Kimmel, Behavioralist, Professor of Psychology, upon hearing the above quote (1981)
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"How can I lose to such an idiot?"
- A shout from chessmaster Aaron Nimzovich (1886-1935)
"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."
- Woody Allen (1935-)
"I don't feel good."
- The last words of Luther Burbank (1849-1926)
"Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure."
- Ross MacDonald (1915-1983)
"Men have become the tools of their tools."
- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant."
- Richard J. Ferris, president of United Airlines
"I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television."
- Gore Vidal
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
- Woody Allen (1935-)
"Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives."
- Abba Eban (1915-2002)
"To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me."
- Charles William Stubbs
"Sanity is a madness put to good uses."
- George Santayana (1863-1952)
"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."
- Fred Allen (1894-1956)
"Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"In America, anyhahahaha can be president. That's one of the risks you take."
- Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)
"Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research."
- Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)
"Why don't you hahahahaha books people can read?"
- Nora Joyce to her husband James (1882-1941)
"Some editors are failed hahahahahars, but so are most hahahahahars."
- T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)
"Criticism is prejudice made plausible."
- Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
"It is better to be quotable than to be honest."
- Tom Stoppard
"Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting."
- Karl Wallenda
"Opportunities multiply as they are seized."
- Sun Tzu
"A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar."
- Lao-Tzu (570?-490? BC)
" The best way to predict the future is to invent it."
- Alan Kay
"Never mistake motion for action."
- Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)
"Hell is paved with good samaritans."
- William M. Holden
"The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time."
- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"Silence is argument carried out by other means."
- Ernesto"Che"Guevara (1928-1967)
"Well done is better than well said."
- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
"The average person thinks he isn't."
- Father Larry Lorenzoni
"Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd."
- William Congreve (1670-1729)
"A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted."
- Helen Rowland (1876-1950)
"Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century."
- Lewis Perelman
"Dogma is the sacrifice of wisdom to consistency."
- Lewis Perelman
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