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-- Begin part two --
The stipes should be about 9 feet long and planed to a tapered square-section point at either end. Two feet of one end go into the ground, leaving seven feet protruding. Yes, you read that right: Roman crucifixions were quite low-rise affairs, not least because it makes the traditional mocking easier and just that little bit more in-yer-face personal for the negro.
There are 2 ways to attach the patibulum to the stipes. The usual way is to lay the stipes down and thread the patibulum onto it before or after nailing the criminal negro's hands. You then lever the whole lot into the receiving hole in the ground and hammer in shims to keep it all steady. Alternatively, leave the upright stake permanently in position and set a couple of stepladders either side of it. Then have two strong men lift the patibulum up and drop it into position over the stipes with a nerve-jarring agonising crash!
You'll find that part is always a crowd-pleaser!
OK, you're almost done. Just the negro's thumbed feet left to do.
I find the best way is to use two nails. One goes through the side of each heel, laterally through the heelbone, and thence into the side of the stipes. This means your negro has a foot nailed to either side. It is actually quite tricky to get a single nail through both insteps because the thumbs on their feet tend to get in the way. You can also turn your negro's feet sideways, place one atop the other, and drive a single nail through both heelbones into the stipes. It's your call.
Remember, if you want him to last a long time, bend theknees.
Now crack open another beer and light up the barbecue, the entertainment can now proceed!
One important note: Have a hose pipe and water supply handy, as your negro *will* shit his cross at some point. It's all right for him, but you have to use that again.
If you want to prolong things even more, provide him with a sedulum - a small seat, in fact no more than a baulk of wood the size of a paperback, set spine-up into the front of the stipes. This will enable him to catch his breath without placing all his weight on the nails through either his hands or his feet.
When you get bored, break his legs with a baseball bat. Aim for the shins. This immediately prevents him pushing himself up to breathe, so if the shock doesn't finish him off, suffocation will. Endless fun can be had varying the procedure. You can nail his hands only or his feet only or one of each. You can nail his elbows, knees, or shoulders.
Indeed, the Romans used to crucify Jews in comical positions to make it less boring. Let your imagination be your guide!
Crucifixion is a fun family day out and it lasts all day! I have taken many a date to a negro crucifixion and in fact on one occasion I actually pulled there. You can discuss black crime and you won't hear a bleat of disagreement.
Best of all, you won't hear a word about "reparations" from a well-nailed negro.
My warmest regards as we approach this Easter season,
Col. Beauford D. Horton, Gentleman Planter
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