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Col. Beauford D. Horton · 03-12-2004, 04:33 PM

Its time to celebrate Easter the Col. Horton way! Every year I receive emails asking how exactly I do my now famous re-enactions of the crucifixion event, so now, for the first time, I'm going to reveal all.

Hopefully we'll all learn something too.

First, of course, you must find yourself a spare nego and thrash him thoroughly. If you're a bit of a liberal softie, give your negro a really good thrashing, as the shock and blood loss will hasten his demise later. If you're a race realist, OTOH, and you feel your negro should suffer for all his kind have done to the human race, limit his thrashing to a couple of dozen strokes of the whip so he lasts longer once tacked up on the ole cross-a-rooney.

It's important to observe best Roman whipping practice. Traditionally, the Romans would use two floggers, one a left hander standing on the negro's right side, so the flogging is evenly distributed across his back from the nape of the neck down to the backs of the knees. The correct whip for use on a negro is called a flagrum, or sometimes flagellum, and consists of three skeins of leather with a chip of bone hahahahahaded in the end of each skein. For the frugal Massa, these whips can be made quite easily of recycled negroes.

Once your negro is freshly whipped, place your 'patibulum' or crossbar across his shoulders. The patibulum was traditionally made of dogwood, but this tree no longer grows large enough to make a decent crossbar from. Allegedly, this is because the Son of God was crucified on one, and his Dad took a bloody dim view and stopped the trees from growing any bigger for ever after. Anyway, any softwood will do - pine is ideal and inexpensive, and also an attractive-looking wood. You need a piece about 6" square and around 7 feet long.

Don't worry about staining it - it'll be nicely stained when your negro is done with it.

Drill a square hole about 4" by 4" through the middle. Then bind it in place on your negro's back using lots of hairy string about the
forearms.

Take a rest. You've earned it! Crack open a few beers.

Now prod your negro in the general direction of the sports field, pub garden, or supermarket car park where you intend to despatch him. On arrival, place him on his back on the ground with the crosspiece still tied in place.

You now need to attach him more securely to the patibulum. I find the best way is to use 3/4" or 1" nails about 9" long. Square-section nails are best. Historians differ about exactly where to put these. You can't put them through the palms as they will tear out under your negro's body weight. You can put them through the wrists, or even through the gap between the radius and ulna, so your negro gets hung up on his wristbones. It all depends on whether you're looking for maximum entertainment value or not.

Assuming you are, then the location of choice is as follows: each nail should go into the _heel_ of the hand, angled back about 15 degrees, so that it comes out through the _back_ of the wrist and thence into the patibulum. If carefully placed, this will break no bones, interestingly, but of course it hurts like fuck. The whole area is liberally supplied with nerve endings and blood vessels.

Be careful not to hit your thumb with the hammer - could be painful!

Leave about 2 inches of each nail clear of the hand so you can get them out easily later. Repeat on the other side, then untie and discard the hairy hahahahahahahaha

Another very important point is how far apart to set the hands.

Crucified negroes die of various causes - shock, exhaustion, blood loss, and even suffocation. The rule is, the further apart you set the hands, the more likely the negro is to die of the latter, and the sooner it will happen. In fact, you don't even need to nail him; just the posture he's forced to assume will do the trick.

Cool, huh?

Basically, once set in place, he will tend to slump forward and this will inhibit his ability to exhale. His lungs will fill with carbon dioxide, he'll pass out, and eventually he'll suffocate. He will therefore try to push himself more upright by using his feet to push his chest upwards. If his hands are securely pegged at full stretch, OTOH, he won't have the leverage to hold this position - imagine doing wide-grip lat pulldowns using your full body weight, and you have the picture. So a narrower positioning of the hands makes breathing easier and thus prolongs the entertainment.

All things considered, about four to five feet between
the palms works well.

You now need to attach the patibulum to the stipes, the upright stake, which we will cover in part two.

-- End Part 1 --

03-12-2004, 04:33 PM
Col. Beauford D. Horton Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Dixie Posts: 140	Its that time of year again! Its time to celebrate Easter the Col. Horton way! Every year I receive emails asking how exactly I do my now famous re-enactions of the crucifixion event, so now, for the first time, I'm going to reveal all. Hopefully we'll all learn something too. First, of course, you must find yourself a spare nego and thrash him thoroughly. If you're a bit of a liberal softie, give your negro a really good thrashing, as the shock and blood loss will hasten his demise later. If you're a race realist, OTOH, and you feel your negro should suffer for all his kind have done to the human race, limit his thrashing to a couple of dozen strokes of the whip so he lasts longer once tacked up on the ole cross-a-rooney. It's important to observe best Roman whipping practice. Traditionally, the Romans would use two floggers, one a left hander standing on the negro's right side, so the flogging is evenly distributed across his back from the nape of the neck down to the backs of the knees. The correct whip for use on a negro is called a flagrum, or sometimes flagellum, and consists of three skeins of leather with a chip of bone hahahahahaded in the end of each skein. For the frugal Massa, these whips can be made quite easily of recycled negroes. Once your negro is freshly whipped, place your 'patibulum' or crossbar across his shoulders. The patibulum was traditionally made of dogwood, but this tree no longer grows large enough to make a decent crossbar from. Allegedly, this is because the Son of God was crucified on one, and his Dad took a bloody dim view and stopped the trees from growing any bigger for ever after. Anyway, any softwood will do - pine is ideal and inexpensive, and also an attractive-looking wood. You need a piece about 6" square and around 7 feet long. Don't worry about staining it - it'll be nicely stained when your negro is done with it. Drill a square hole about 4" by 4" through the middle. Then bind it in place on your negro's back using lots of hairy string about the forearms. Take a rest. You've earned it! Crack open a few beers. Now prod your negro in the general direction of the sports field, pub garden, or supermarket car park where you intend to despatch him. On arrival, place him on his back on the ground with the crosspiece still tied in place. You now need to attach him more securely to the patibulum. I find the best way is to use 3/4" or 1" nails about 9" long. Square-section nails are best. Historians differ about exactly where to put these. You can't put them through the palms as they will tear out under your negro's body weight. You can put them through the wrists, or even through the gap between the radius and ulna, so your negro gets hung up on his wristbones. It all depends on whether you're looking for maximum entertainment value or not. Assuming you are, then the location of choice is as follows: each nail should go into the _heel_ of the hand, angled back about 15 degrees, so that it comes out through the _back_ of the wrist and thence into the patibulum. If carefully placed, this will break no bones, interestingly, but of course it hurts like fuck. The whole area is liberally supplied with nerve endings and blood vessels. Be careful not to hit your thumb with the hammer - could be painful! Leave about 2 inches of each nail clear of the hand so you can get them out easily later. Repeat on the other side, then untie and discard the hairy hahahahahahahaha Another very important point is how far apart to set the hands. Crucified negroes die of various causes - shock, exhaustion, blood loss, and even suffocation. The rule is, the further apart you set the hands, the more likely the negro is to die of the latter, and the sooner it will happen. In fact, you don't even need to nail him; just the posture he's forced to assume will do the trick. Cool, huh? Basically, once set in place, he will tend to slump forward and this will inhibit his ability to exhale. His lungs will fill with carbon dioxide, he'll pass out, and eventually he'll suffocate. He will therefore try to push himself more upright by using his feet to push his chest upwards. If his hands are securely pegged at full stretch, OTOH, he won't have the leverage to hold this position - imagine doing wide-grip lat pulldowns using your full body weight, and you have the picture. So a narrower positioning of the hands makes breathing easier and thus prolongs the entertainment. All things considered, about four to five feet between the palms works well. You now need to attach the patibulum to the stipes, the upright stake, which we will cover in part two. -- End Part 1 -- __________________ Its coming.