|
Here's one that I got in my email today. Ouchie!
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one
occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth
was
too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head
injury
and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I
would
think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes
to
adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no
problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast
when I
heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the
garbage
disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is."
I
protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it
yourself!" "I
am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?"
(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a
statement
about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I
crouched
down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is
the
last action I remember performing. It struck without warning,
without
respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal
drawing me
into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing
playfully
at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been
poised
around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.
At
precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now
when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their
masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly
bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to
contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.
Not
even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin
supporting
the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a
step-by-step
manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight"
syndrome.
Men, in this predicament,choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing
straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is
alarmed.
It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to
escape,
I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my
ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and
the
paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the
paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while
suppressing
their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me.
I
kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the
matter,cat
got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
|