1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
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2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
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3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
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4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
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5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
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6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
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7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
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8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
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9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
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10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
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11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
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12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
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13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such handsome animals. I think my husband is handsome, but I only have photographs of him on the wall.
Hmmmm.
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14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't ! you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were anywitnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
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15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
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