Krome

Listed below are genuine announcements made by tube drivers on the London
Underground:


"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

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At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the
passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train
first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers
off
the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines,see if I
care, I'm going home."

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"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take
your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that
is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for
public transport and not a bin on wheels"

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Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and
gentlemen; this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgware
Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the
train.

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"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news? The
good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a
great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a
card! I drive you to work and back home each day and not even a card.
"The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between
Stratford
and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We
may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line - simply get
out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime
if
you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or
opposite you. Let me start you off: "Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?"

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"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'l>
let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any".

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"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close...The doors reopen.
"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the
train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the
doors." The doors close... "Thank you."

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"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into
the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these
people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."