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yeah he's funny, here's some i just grabbed off a website:
If you would be singing like this two thousand years ago, people would have stoned you.
If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning.
My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't.
Did you really believe you could become the American Idol? Well, then, you're deaf
"...you were feeling your thong?"
"you sang like a ventriliquist dummy"
"you sang like you were in a dentists chair
"you sang like someone who sings on a cruiseship... halfway through I imagined the ship
sinking"
"we brought some people back to shine... you didn't. sorry."
"you had about as much passion as a kitten mewing"
"You have just invented a new form of torture"
"This is a pen not a magic wand."
"If you had lived 2,000 years ago and sung like that, I think
they would have stoned you."
"There's only so much punishment a human can take. I can't take anymore."
An awful guy auditioning was singing "American Pie," and finished up with "The day...the muuuuu-sic died..." And Simon said, "It just did."
"Do you have a lawyer? Get a lawyer and sue your teacher."
"That was extraordinary! Unfortunately, it was extraordinary bad."
"I think you invented notes never ever heard before in music."
-Do you want to hear the chorus?
"No, I couldn't hear anymore."
-Well it's my first audition.
"I'm not surprised, and it should be your last."
"If you were to win and sing a song, you would kill the American record industry. That's how bad you are."
"You're one of the worst singers I've ever heard in my life."
"I'm going to reach out with a hook if you don't shut up."
"That wasn't dreadful and it wasn't horrible. It was absolutely ghastly."
"Phone up your vocal coach and demand a refund."
"Ryan an ooopma-looopa called and wants its complextion back"
"When you stopped singing, that was the best part."
"Your so terrible, your not even good enough for BULGARIAN Idol! "
Singer: *singing* No more pain...No more paaain...
Simon: My thoughts exactly.
"you wouldn't be able to make an album, there'd only be one song on it." (to the girl singing unchained melody)
"There's a line in that song that sums up your whole audition, and that's, 'When I'm bad, I'm so bad.' "
Simon: I've heard better people singing outside the subway.
Nathanial: Well, that's fine, but I worked really hard, and--
Simon: So do they!
Nathanial: Well, that's fine, but did they stand out in the cold and--
Simon: They're standing outside the subway. So yes.
Juanita: ...and why wasn't it good?
Simon: *looks seriously over at Juanita*... cause you sang it...
would Norah Jones make the top 10?
Simon: No. She's just so miserable, I mean if you want to have a great time you don't put on your Norah Jones cd...
what about Jennifer Lopez?
Simon: well if this was called Attitude Idol, she would definitely make the top 10
''Jenny, that was extraordinary. Unfortunately, extraordinarily bad.'' --to an off-key blonde in the first round
''It was an ambitious song for you to sing, because I don't think you're that kind of singer. I don't think you're that good.'' --to semifinalist Tenia Taylor, who tried to do her best Whitney Houston
''From one to 10, what would you give yourself? I'd give you a one. My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't.'' --to an early auditioner who thought she'd done a great job
''I don't believe Cassandra has a singing talent. She's completely wasting her money. A complete waste of money. If you want to achieve what you want to achieve, you will not do it with your voice. Sorry.'' --to a first-round hopeful after Paula Abdul encouraged her to pursue singing
''I can honestly say you are the worst singer in America.'' --to the skinny white boy who didn't hit one note right
''Can I tell you what I thought, Rose? Your audition was horrendous with a capital 'H'.... What angers me is that people like yourself who have the most attitude have the least talent.'' --to the Alicia Keys wannabe who fumbled through ''Fallin'''
''I think you're a boring performer. The laugh was hideous. I think you've blown it.'' --to the weepy A.J. Gil, who went on to become a finalist
''When you entered this competition, did you really believe that you could become an American Idol? [Contestant nods affirmatively.] Well, then, you're deaf. Thank you. Goodbye.'' --to a Seattle hopeful who missed every note
''Are you taking singing lessons? Who's your teacher? Do you have a lawyer? Get a lawyer and sue her.'' --to the blonde in the supershort shorts who sang a window-shattering version of ''Lady Marmalade''
''If you win this competition, we will have failed.'' --to Jim Verraros, before he advanced to the semifinal round
"Don't take this the wrong way, but I prefer you when I close my eyes"
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