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"Dear Upstairs Neighbors,
As you may or may not know, I own a Giant Silverback Gorilla named BoBo that I rescued from being put down because he broke through 6 inch iron bars and attacked and killed 12 zookeepers with stun rods because they disturbed his sleep by making too much noise while repairing a broken fence nearby.
Lately it has come to my attention that you continually make a rather disturbing amount of noise and BoBo is becoming increasingly upset and grumpy. I fear for my personal health and for the other tenants in the building. You see, BoBo has a sleep disorder that causes him to get terrible headaches when his sleep is disturbed and that causes him to lash out at anything nearby that might be causing the disturbance.
This letter serves as my official notice that I cannot and will not be held legally responsible for your safety or for the safety of your personal property if you continue to persist in this noise-making. BoBo is highly sensitive to noise and for your own safety (and MINE!) I humbly request that you KNOCK IT OFF!
Thank you,
Your Downstairs Neighbor"
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