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Tough situation, dude. I consider myself pretty patient and understanding, but when it comes to defending people I love, it's instant-on. So I know you must be ready to kill the guy.
But, from an outsider perspective, who is unemotionally involved (although disgusted), I'd try the more passive approach. He's already shown his stupidity; punching out a 60 year old dude would only show yours, and I suspect you're much smarter than that.
First, if I were talking to my kid, I'd probably say something like, "Sweetie, sometimes people can be really stupid at times and they don't mean to be. Paw Paw wasn't thinking when said that. What he called you is a word that's been used a lot in the past when a white person feels upset towards a black person. It's not a good word, but it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Your Paw paw is the one who was wrong. He loves you very much, but he made a mistake using that word. Do you understand? I love you, sweetie, and I think you're the most beautiful girl in the world."
To the grandfather, I'd talk in person and try to be understanding but firm. "I just had a talk with my daughter. I had to explain to her what the word '******' meant because you evidently called her that. Now, I don't know if you have any issues with me or your grandkids, or if you just slipped up for whatever reason, but I wanted to give you an opportunity to explain yourself...Finding out your 3 year old daughter is called a ****** by her Paw Paw is obviously something that is going to concern me. So the floor's yours: what's going on?"
More than likely he'll apologize and say it was a mistake and that he didn't mean it. So I'd continue, "OK. Accidents happen. I understand that and understand that word was common in the environment you grew up in, so I don't want to make a big deal of this or allow there to be any tension between us. We're family and I love you regardless, but I do not want to ever hear my daughter called that again. Ok? ...Now, I'm not going to ask for any action on your part, but I would hope you would take it upon yourself to apologize to your granddaughter and let her know how much you love her. But, that's your decision. As far as I'm concerned, this issue is resolved and we're good."
Now keep in mind, I'm not married nor do I have kids, but I have been in a lot of aggressive situations. And rarely does anything really good come out of an anger-invoked fight. There's an old karate maxim that states, "if you have to fight, you've already lost." So I think working things out peacefully is the better alternative and it shows you have much greater strength.
Good luck, dude. Neither talk is going to be easy.
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