love and hate are not opposite emotions in the spirit. love and hate are the exact same thing. strong polarizing emotions. the opposite of love or hate is 'indifference'.
you my friend are NOT indifferent to god.
you love god some much it broke your heart, I can understand that I too had a broken heat for a long time.
thing is I'm really, really over you whining and crying about your fucking broken heart all the time and saying shitty stuff about something you love so dearly that hurt you so much.
time for you man the fuck up asshole. you stop the baby shit. be a man. reach out for god. god meets us where we are
(mileage may vary lol!)