Deepundercover

Write Out The Tension

Dennis Prager says: When you have tension with somebody, write to them. It's more effective than talking it out. People write in a more understated way than they speak. If you handwrite it, it's hard to edit and hard to send. The ideal is to email.

DP: I have engaged in this in personal and business life. It is an unbelievable discovery. When you confront someone verbally, everyone gets tense and defensive and then aggressive. But if it is written, you can take your time.

Typically in an argument, one person will say, "I never said that." And you won't know. With writing, you know.

Luke: I like these suggestions and have used them for over a decade. The problem is - most women I've used them on have not appreciated the technique. They say I write things I wouldn't say in person. That's probably true. I don't like confrontation in personal life and tend to go along to get along. When I write however, I can express what I really feel.

A male caller to Prager replicated my experience. He left a list of problems in a letter to his wife and went off to work. She called him in tears, thinking they were headed for divorce. His friends had similar experiences.

Prager responded: You're a typical male. You think because she's crying that she's really upset.

Caller: She said we were headed for divorce.

Prager: She was emoting.

Natalie: Email caused two unpleasant experiences for me. One ended a friendship with a female. A daughter in law had a huge meltdown over it.

Prager: Most men loathe confrontation and some women do not either. Writing enables you to confront over things you won't do otherwise.

Natalie: Women tend to overreact.

DP: Women teach us to be more in touch with our feelings. We have to teach women how to talk more rationally when upset.

Natalie: These two issues were gnawing at me. I had to confront and I'm glad.