Dreaming
Regular dream.................2 calories
Wet Dream......................16 calories
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices
Wet Trance......................20 calories
Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist
Masturbation
For pleasure only...................................6 calories
For exercise, too....................................10 calories
For relief from tension...........................12 calories
To pass the time.....................................7 calories
To avoid overeating...............................16 calories
To get in touch with inner self...............10 calories
To get in touch with outer self..............10 1/4 calories
To avoid insanity..................................24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date......9 calories
In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping and
binge's, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.
Using
Your hand(s):
Regular way......................................11 calories
Your finger(s)...................................9 calories
Tweezers.......................................... ....2 calories
An inflatable doll.................................24 calories
Any fruit or vegetable..........................19 calories
except watermelon or a sprig of parsley
A vibrator:
Hand-operated.................................12 calories
Windup............................................ 9 calories
Electric.......................................... ..5 calories
Anything not mentioned here.................50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater
Purchasing the ticket.........................2 1/2 calories
Finding isolated seat.........................78 calories
Adjusting raincoat.............................3 calories
Typical Sex-Related Fears
Partner hates me for what I did............................4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didnt do....................8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual.......10 calories
Climaxing too soon.............................................5
calories
Climaxing too late.............................................. .6
calories
Not climaxing......................................... .............20
calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object.....................9 calories
Partner doesn't think of me as a sex object...........47 calories
Partner will neglect to administer last rites
should I not recover from orgasm......................88 calories
Personal Fears
Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm....6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field........................8
calories
Penis
envy.............................................. ....................
.......72 calories
Body odor of a disgruntled
yak..........................................25 calories
Getting Caught
By partner's spouse.........60 calories
By your spouse................60 1/2 calories
Trying to explain.............165 calories
Stuttering.........................28 calories
Throwing-up...................40 calories
Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether
understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed
Almost Getting Caught
Trying to remain calm...........................100 calories
Fright (includes trembling)...................66 calories
Leaping out of bed................................25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion.....300 calories
Thanking partner quickly......................2 calories
Jumping out of window........................15 calories
add 5 calories if window wasn't open
Landing........................................... .....1 calorie
Running very fast.................................50 calories
