How many calories do we burn during sex?
Sexual Positions
Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)..........20 calories
Woman on top, man on
bottom.........................................25 calories
Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual
possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.
From the rear (Mysterious variation)..............................40
1/2 calories
Standing
Both partners of equal height......................................18
calories
Woman 1 foot taller than a man..................................90
calories
The man will have to make several rigorous leaps into the air in
order to achieve even minimal satisfaction
While in
traction.......................................... ...................1
24 calories
(very useful during ski season)
Location, Location, Location
On a bar stool....................20 calories
Rear of a Honda Civic......38 calories
In a phone booth
Standing.......................14 calories
lying down...................274 calories
On an airliner
Aisle seat....................24 calories
Middle seat.................42 calories
Window seat...............30 calories
In the lavatory.............100 calories
Finding your clothes....................5 calories
Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
Bouncing........................7 calories
Sliding around................9 calories
Serious Skidding............12 calories
Full cartwheel................20 calories
Whiplash........................27 calories
Knee burn.......................6 calories
Chafed elbows...............5 calories
Chafed nose...................11 calories
Sex Related Noises
Short gasps (per gasp).....................................3 calories
Wheezing.......................................... ...............5
calories
Squeals........................................... .................4
calories
Ecstatic moaning........................................... ...11
calories
Low growling.......................................... ........8
calories
Squishing......................................... ................10
calories
Shouting.......................................... .................16
calories
Screaming......................................... ...............18
calories
Urgent begging........................................... ......22
calories
Any short speech giving partner directions......25 calories
Satisfying Partner (organ size)
Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and
the man with a Shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare
instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to
compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight
loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to
work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince
his partner to let him put it inside.
Normal size............22 calories
Oversize.................15 calories
Tremendous............8 calories
Teensy-weensy.......163 calories
Approaching Orgasm
Letting go................................................ ..........5
1/2 calories
Controlling yourself.........................................7 9
calories
Digging nails in your partners back back.........11 calories
Trembling......................................... ...............15
calories
Shaking........................................... .................20
calories
Shuddering........................................ ..............25
calories
Trying to keep eyes open................................33 calories
Orgasm
Real............27 calories
Faked.........160 calories
Orgasmic Intensity Scale
Expression didn't change...............1/2 calorie
Face turned purple........................15 calories
Orchestra swelled.........................6 calories
Magical explosions.......................10 calories
Blazing Sheets...............................25 calories
Earth moved..................................30 calories
Vesuvius erupted...........................47 calories
You began moaning in Latin..........60 calories
Pulling Out
After orgasm...................................1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm.......500 calories
Multiple Orgasms
For woman
2......14 calories
5......30 calories
8......47 calories
Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8
orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or
disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may
begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily
interfere with her ability to cook, worship and ride a Moped.
For Men
2......21 calories
3......39 calories
4......57 calories
For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological
and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour
with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears.
With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10
orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain
damage.
Special Orgasms
Clitoral...............15 calories
Vaginal...............21 calories
Penile.................21 calories
Scrotile..............15 calories
Rectal................25 calories
Oral...................30 calories
Premature Ejaculation
During insertion.............................2 calories
During intercourse.........................5 calories
approx.. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion,
which ever comes first
During foreplay.............................3 calories
Immature ejaculation.....................4 calories
similar to premature ejaculation except male
acts childish and throws a tantrum
Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to
feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of
intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the
footy on the tv.
For Woman
Frustration....................................... ...8 calories
Anger............................................. ....15 calories
Violent mood swing...........................20 calories
Suppressing rage................................25 calories
Not suppressing anger........................65 calories
in extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks,
and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.
For Men
Cursing........................................... ...10 calories
Apologizing....................................... 3 calories
Sniveling......................................... .5 calories
Pleading for mercy............................8 calories
Begging for another chance...............15 calories
Recovering
Un-entwining......................................... ...3 calories
Regaining motor control of pelvis.............7 calories
After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist
to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk ( put
one foot in front of the other), which will seriously impair your
chances of going to the bathroom or getting a juice.
Standing up...............................................9 calories
Getting some juice....................................11 calories
Trying Again
If the woman is ready...........5 calories
If the man is not....................156 calories
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