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Carrie · 07-21-2003, 01:08 AM

Ironhorse, I admire your pride ("I give up on NOONE!"), but there are times when the best thing you can do is simply step away.

This man has become a danger to your family. You have children to think of. "Keeping" him from your children is a convenient excuse, but it's not plausible. This man still contacts you, he still upsets you, he still affects your life.
And that affects your children's lives.
Even if you are "keeping" him away from your children, he is STILL damaging them. Can you see that?

Do the kids know anything about this? How can they not... obviously you're upset about it, you've gotten phone calls about it, there's been police and god knows who else outside of your door to get this guy. And meanwhile you're upset and talking about it to your friends, to your wife (?), and the children can hear it.

What you're teaching them is *not* that you never give up on a friend.
What you're teaching them is that it must be okay to act like this, cause all of this commotion, and throw cats against walls... because Daddy is friends with someone like that. If that was bad, Daddy wouldn't be friends with him.

"Tough love" is the hardest thing to do - not because of how the person on the receiving end of it will feel, but because of how *you* will feel.
Face it, you are being completely selfish in this situation. You are continuing to enable this person with your attention and friendship, because *you* can't stand the assault your pride would take if you were to simply walk away.
If this guy's friends were to abandon him one by one, he'd sure get the message a LOT quicker that he needed to change his ways and do something to help himself.
But since you and his roommate etc. keep hanging around and giving him attention no matter what, he has no *reason* to change.

It's like a man who comes home falling-down drunk every night.
Each night, his wife is in bed, his kids are in bed. The next morning he gets reamed from the wife, but sure enough - when he comes home falling-down drunk again, she's still there.
Why bother changing? Things are fine.

It's only when he comes home falling-down drunk to find an empty house that he wakes up and realizes what he's going to lose permanently if he doesn't sober up.

Your friend is the same way.
He needs help. You can't give it to him. You can't *make* him change. He's the only one who can do that.
And the only way you are *ever* going to get that message through his head is to take yourself and your precious children as far from this person as you can get, and don't speak to him for at least a year.
It's only when he sees what he's losing due to his actions that he'll do something to make a change.
Don't let your pride stop that from happening.

(Been there, done that. Man it was hell.)

07-21-2003, 01:08 AM
Carrie Confirmed User Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Virgin - nee Posts: 3,162	Ironhorse, I admire your pride ("I give up on NOONE!"), but there are times when the best thing you can do is simply step away. This man has become a danger to your family. You have children to think of. "Keeping" him from your children is a convenient excuse, but it's not plausible. This man still contacts you, he still upsets you, he still affects your life. And that affects your children's lives. Even if you are "keeping" him away from your children, he is STILL damaging them. Can you see that? Do the kids know anything about this? How can they not... obviously you're upset about it, you've gotten phone calls about it, there's been police and god knows who else outside of your door to get this guy. And meanwhile you're upset and talking about it to your friends, to your wife (?), and the children can hear it. What you're teaching them is not that you never give up on a friend. What you're teaching them is that it must be okay to act like this, cause all of this commotion, and throw cats against walls... because Daddy is friends with someone like that. If that was bad, Daddy wouldn't be friends with him. "Tough love" is the hardest thing to do - not because of how the person on the receiving end of it will feel, but because of how you will feel. Face it, you are being completely selfish in this situation. You are continuing to enable this person with your attention and friendship, because you can't stand the assault your pride would take if you were to simply walk away. If this guy's friends were to abandon him one by one, he'd sure get the message a LOT quicker that he needed to change his ways and do something to help himself. But since you and his roommate etc. keep hanging around and giving him attention no matter what, he has no reason to change. It's like a man who comes home falling-down drunk every night. Each night, his wife is in bed, his kids are in bed. The next morning he gets reamed from the wife, but sure enough - when he comes home falling-down drunk again, she's still there. Why bother changing? Things are fine. It's only when he comes home falling-down drunk to find an empty house that he wakes up and realizes what he's going to lose permanently if he doesn't sober up. Your friend is the same way. He needs help. You can't give it to him. You can't make him change. He's the only one who can do that. And the only way you are ever going to get that message through his head is to take yourself and your precious children as far from this person as you can get, and don't speak to him for at least a year. It's only when he sees what he's losing due to his actions that he'll do something to make a change. Don't let your pride stop that from happening. (Been there, done that. Man it was hell.)