Markul

It all started when our overrated adventurer, Harmon, woke up in a swamp. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly puzzled, Harmon poked a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Absolutely thrilled, he realized that his beloved iPad was missing! Immediately he called his so-called buddy, Sally Rand. Harmon had known Sally Rand for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were sassy ones. Sally Rand was unique. She was charismatic though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. Harmon called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Sally Rand picked up to a very glad Harmon. Sally Rand calmly assured him that most venomous koalas sneeze before mating, yet albino cats usually indiscriminately cringe *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Harmon. Why was Sally Rand trying to distract Harmon? Because she had snuck out from Harmon's with the iPad only ten days prior. It was a electric little iPad... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Harmon got back to the subject at hand: his iPad. Sally Rand sneezed. Relunctantly, Sally Rand invited him over, assuring him they'd find the iPad. Harmon grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Sally Rand realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the iPad and she had to do it fearlessly. She figured that if Harmon took the 'modded' Civic, she had take at least ten minutes before Harmon would get there. But if he took the Segway? Then Sally Rand would be really screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Sally Rand was interrupted by seven selfish Mooses that were lured by her iPad. Sally Rand sighed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling concerned, she carefully reached for her dull pencil and randomly poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Segway rolling up. It was Harmon.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Harmon was out of the Segway and went sassily jaunting toward Sally Rand's front door. Meanwhile inside, Sally Rand was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the iPad into a box of live hand grenades and then slid the box behind her hammock. Sally Rand was concerned but at least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Sally Rand exotically purred. With a skillful push, Harmon opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless coke fiend in a wannabe go-fast Civic,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Sally Rand assured him. Harmon took a seat not remotely close to where Sally Rand had hidden the iPad. Sally Rand sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Harmon was distracted. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, Sally Rand noticed a oafish look on Harmon's face. Harmon slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Sally Rand felt a stabbing pain in her armpit when Harmon asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the iPad right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on Harmon's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Harmon nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Sally Rand could react, Harmon recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was plainly in view.

Harmon stared at Sally Rand for what what must've been two nanoseconds. A few unfulfilled decades later, Sally Rand groped earnestly in Harmon's direction, clearly desperate. Harmon grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. Sally Rand let out a exotic chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Harmon,' she rebuked. Sally Rand always had been a little annoying, so Harmon knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Sally Rand did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at her or something. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he gripped his iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Sally Rand looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Harmon. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Harmon. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Sally Rand walked over to the window and looked down. Harmon was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Harmon was struggling to make his way through the magical cornfield behind Sally Rand's place. Harmon had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Mooses suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one they latched on to Harmon. Already weakened from his injury, Harmon yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Mooses running off with his iPad.

But then God came down with His ingenious smile and restored Harmon's iPad. Feeling pleased, God smote the Mooses for their injustice. Then He got in His nappy, busted-out hatchback and blasted away with the fortitude of 1.2 billion disease-carrying chipmunks running from a big pack of long-haired sea monkeys. Harmon skipped with joy when he saw this. His iPad was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in four minutes his favorite TV show, Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When man-eating capybaras meet gun'). Harmon was excited. And so, everyone except Sally Rand and a few bloody glove-toting South American hissing sloths lived blissfully happy, forever after.

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But.... I pulled out...