Okay here's what you do.
You move into a really cool apartment in New York with Jon Stewart.
Get you a job working in a toll booth.
Jon Stewards bastard son will come while he's away on a long business trip.
You pretend the kid is yours to impress this girlfriend who left you for the older guy.
Jon's hot girlfriend who works at hooters has this really sweet looking sister with one of those sexy Jennifer Tilly type voices.
She'll see just how sweet you are with the kid and fall in love with you.
And oh there'll be a big court room scene at the end where you'll be charged with some crime involving duping the state welfare system.
So go ahead and call your dad and tell him to be there to make a big dopy speech so they'll drop all charges against you.
Good luck