Sad Times Publishing 2
From: Owen Bell
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Help me
Hello my Dearest,
Due to my critical condition right now i will not hesitate to make known to you all about me so please do not deter as i am going to expose a lot about myself and background here to you. I am residing in Beylane camp as a refugee and as a refugee here i don't have any right or privileged to any thing be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.
My name is Mr Owen Bell, am 24 years old. I am from Liberia in West Africa. Am the only child of my parents and am studying law in the university before my parents past away. And my hope and aim to becoming a successful lawyer, but now my parents are no more. they were killed by civil war going on in my country.
My late father Dr Patrick Bell, before his death deals and owned a company in Monrovia Liberia,
Please listen to this and try to keep it to your self only. When my father was alive, he deposited some money in a bank and he used my name as next of kin. Now due to my refugee status and the law guiding this camp,
i cannot make claims by myself, i need a partner preferably a foreigner who will stand on my behalf to the bank
I am helpless without you, i am having no account, no raw money at hand for it is my wish to further life abroad. Send to me Your Full names, address , occupation and telephone number:
Mr Owen Bell
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From: Bob Servant
To: Owen Bell
Subject: Quick one
Owen,
Ever thought of writing a book? Your Servant,
Bob Servant
Managing Editor
Sad Times Publishing
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From: Owen Bell
To: Bob Servant
Subject: What do you mean?
What is this about a book I am telling you about my troubles here in the camp so you must pay attention and read again the email. I need you to stand for me to the bank
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From: Bob Servant
To: Owen Bell
Subject: Here's the gist of it
Owen,
Apologies, let me tell you a little more. I am the managing editor of an English publisher called Sad Times Publishing. We print, as you'll have guessed, sad stories and in recent years we've had some of the biggest selling sad stories in England including -
My Head Is A Whirpool And I Can't Swim – The Troubled Mind of Vernon Kay
Sticks and Stones Broke My Bones – The Rise and Fall of Wolf from Gladiators
Dumped! How I Pulled Myself Together and Learnt To Love Again by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne
I think your story could fit very comfortably indeed into our catalogue. We pay generously for the right stories and I think you're sitting on a cracker (not in a saucy way).
Are you in?
Bob Servant
Managing Editor
Sad Times Publishing
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From: Owen Bell
To: Bob Servant
Subject: My price
Dear Bob
OK I understand. Well my story would sell millions of books all through the world and there could be a movie and TV for sure so for you it is chance to be rich. my story would be worth $1m and this is true Bob if you work it out so this my start price and now we talk.
Owen
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From: Bob Servant
To: Owen Bell
Subject: Absolute belter
Owen
Thanks for your email. I've not laughed that much since the first Gulf War. A million dollars eh? Let me tell you something pal. A couple of years back it was in the papers that Dawn French got a million quid for her autobiography. And that's Frenchy we're talking about, Owen, Frenchy. Now, Owen, you're going to have to help me here. How in God's name can you say you should get the same as old Frenchy?
I attach a link and 'screen grab' of the famous scene from Vicar of Dibley where Frenchy falls into a puddle. Beat that.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=rUpBT...eature=related
Yours, Bob
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From: Owen Bell
To: Bob Servant
Subject: This is easy and not a book
Bob,
This is easy to do and in fact you shoold know that anyone with camera and rainfall is possible. any anyway Bob this is not a book this is a movie so how can you compare. I have told you some of my story but not all and you would not have written me if you did not see the book this could be.
I told you this is just my start price and now we talk so make me counter offer
Owen
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From: Bob Servant
To: Owen Bell
Subject: You're not Frenchy
Owen,
Yes you could jump in a puddle but Frenchy was the first person to do it and that's why she's one of the nation's favourite 'funny women' and you're not. Sorry to be so blunt, Owen, but someone has to tell you. You're wasting your time pretending to be Frenchy when you should be out working hard to provide for your family.
Bob
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From: Owen Bell
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: You're not Frenchy
How can i work when i am in a refugee camp what is going on in your mind? This woman cannoy be the first person to fall into puddle you ask what is wrong with me but what is wrong with you? i am not pretending to be anyone but i think you are pretending to be someone with this nonsense
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From: Bob Servant
To: Owen Bell
Subject: Give Up
Owen,
OK, let me make this even clearer for you. You are not Dawn French. I'm sorry, Owen, I'm sure it stings to read it in black and white like that, but you're a big boy and you need to accept it.
You are not Dawn French, Owen, and, no matter how hard you try, you never will be.
Don't shoot the messenger,
Bob
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From: Owen Bell
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Give Up
I DO NOW WANT TO BE DAWN FENCH TODAY OR ANY DAY YOU ARE SO STUPID AND YOU TELL ME TO GIVE UP WELL IT IS TIME YOU GIVE UP