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Your text is so old-school pornographer it's embarrassing.
Nobody is going to believe it is written by your model. The deliberate bad grammar and poor spelling and bubbly air-head stuff just screams "pumped out by a greasy fifty-year old male misogynist with a low opinion of women."
That may sell to men with similar attitudes, but you'll piss off women and (this part is important) men who actually like them.
So, when you go to improve your text, if you're going to fake-write like the model, give her a human voice and pretend that she graduated high school.
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