Quote:
Originally posted by MrPopup
weird shit. must be some kind of cathartic shit for you to bring it up here though. weird....why dont you go cut up a bun cake or something like that?
does it pleasure you to cut yourself? I mean..is the pain..you know...good?!?
I always thought it was about some kinda of trauma to do with healing or something to that tune....
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If I'm in a panic attack or dissociating, it doesn't hurt at all to cut, and it's very calming. It feels like I'm turning some kind of valve to release pressure. Back when I first started getting sick and had a breakdown, the only way I could sleep was to cut...it would hit me like a sleeping pill. I'd feel safe, calm, floaty, and be able to sleep without dreaming or waking up constantly at noises.
The body produces natural pain-killers in response to pain, kind of like a morphine high, and people who cut can and do become addicted to that high. I know I did, and am. I was doing really well, hadn't cut for several months, but my husband was in a motorcycle accident, and the first thing I noticed was that his fresh cuts and scrapes were very triggery to me, made me want to cut myself. I was like an addict being around people who are shooting up, almost.
Then the stress of the aftermath of the accident hit, some money problems, and bam, I'm right back to cutting a lot.
I guess seeing the chick in the pictures with the couple of little cuts on her arm made me feel upset, like she's posing or something, making light of something that's very fucking serious for me. People tend to have this image of cutters as self-absorbed little gothy teens with all this "angst" who cut to be "dark." If you saw me and my upper arm was covered -- I cut high up on my left arm, and there's a thick layer of overlapping scars that goes from about 2" above my elbow to right up by my armpit -- you wouldn't think I was anything other than a normal 30 year old mom. The scars look almost like corderoy fabric, I've probably cut there thousands of times over the years.
I have started to go out in public with my arms bare, at least when I'm cut-free, or have just a few almost-healed cuts. For one thing, I live in Arizona, and it's just too damn hot! For another, I'm just tired of hiding it. Hiding things is one of the reasons I ended up cutting in the first place.