asuna

BRIAN:
Hey mom, dad...

DAD:
Brian, Stacey, your mother, Ellen & I are so glad you decided to join us for this family communication session.

STACEY:
So, what's up, you guys getting divorced or something?

MOM:
No, we just wanted the family to talk as a group.

BRIAN:
OK, well, let's get it started then.

MOM:
Alright well, Stacey, Brian, your father, Ted & I are a little bit concerned. Celia, the cleaning lady was in the family room & she found a bag of pot.

STACEY:
She didn't smoke it, did she?

MOM:
Noowe. She didn't smoke it.

DAD:
Now, we're not here to "come down" on you. I mean that's not what we're about, OK.

MOM:
We're just concerned that pot can lead to other things.

DAD:
Crack, ice, boom, pow.

MOM:
But we know you don't want to here this from us.

DAD:
Sure I mean we're your parents. Who wants to hear this stuff from there parents, huh?

MOM:
Your father & I came up with a brilliant idea to give you kids some direction. A motivational speaker.

DAD:
Yeah, one of those guys who speaks to big groups, at high schools & churches.

STACEY:
You mean, to come to the house.

MOM:
Uh-huh.


[SIMULTANEOUSLY]

BRIAN:
Yeah, right, thanks anyway.
STACEY:
Yeah, alright, later. Bye.

DAD:
Hey hey hey c'mon you guys, this set me back a few bucks. OK, his name is Matt Foley. Now he's been down in the basement drinking coffee for about the last four hours &, he should be all ready to go. I'll, I'll call him up.

"Matt, we're ready for ya'!"
His speech is called "Go For It!" Now he's used to big groups so make him feel like there's a crowd here.

"Matt, come on up buddy!"


[MATT COMES UP]

MATT:
Alrighty, how's everybody. Goood, goood, goood... Now as your father probably told you, my name is Matt Foley, & I am a motivational speaker. Now let's get started by letting me give you a little bit of a scenario of what MY LIFE is all about. First off, I am 35 years old, I AM divorced, & I live in a van, down by the river.

{POINTS TOWARDS DOOR EVERY TIME HE SAYS "VAN-RIVER" LINE]

Now you kids are probably saying to yourselves

"Hey, I'm gon'na go out & I'm gon'na, GET THE WORLD BY THE TAIL, & WRAP IT AROUND & PULL IT DOWN & PUT IT IN MY POCKET!"
Well I'm here to tell you that your not going to amount to JACK-SQUAT! You're going to end up eating a steady diet of government cheese & living in a van down by the river.
Now young man what do you wan'na do with your life?
BRIAN:
Uh, actually Matt, I kind'a wan'na be a writer.
MATT:
WEEEELL! LAH-DY FRICKIN' DAH!!! We got ourselves a writer here. {TO DAD} Hey dad, I can't see real good, is that Bill Shakespeare over there, eh..?
DAD:
Well actually Matt, Ellen & I have encouraged Brian & his writing.
MATT:
Dad I wish you could just shut your big YAPPER!!! Now I wonder, Brian, from what I've heard, your using your paper not for writin, but for ROLLIN' DUBIES! Your gon'na be doing a lot of dubie rolling, when your living in A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!
Young lady, what do you want to do with your life?
STACEY:
I wan'na live in a van down by the river.
MOM: Well you'll have plenty of time living in a van down by the river, when,... your living in A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!! Now you kids are probably asking yourselves "Hey Matt, {MOVES ARMS IN JOGGING MOTION} how can we get back on the right track?!" Well as I see it there is only one solution, & that is for me to get my gear, move it on in here, 'cause I"m gon'na bunk with you buddy, WE'RE GON'NA BE BUDDIES, WE'RE GON'NA BE PALS! WE'RE GON'NA WRASTLE AROUND!

[PICKS UP BRIAN]

Old Matt's gon'na be your shadow! Here's you, here's Matt! There's you, there...{FALLS OVER ON COFFEE TABLE & DESTROYS IT} Whoops a daisy, whoops a daisy. By God we're gon'na have to clean that up later. Me & MY BUDDIES, MY PALS, MY AMIGOS!!! I'm gon'na get my gear.
BRIAN:
Wait, yeah, Matt you don't have to go. Matt Matt!
STACEY:
No, you don't have to do that, we'll never smoke pot again!
DAD:
Uh, Matt, uh, thanks for all you've done.
MATT:
I don't give a rat's behind 'cause I'm moving in, I'm sick & tired of living in A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!


[MATT WALKS OUT. DAD CLOSES & LOCKS DOOR BEHIND HIM]

DAD:
Is the back door locked? MOM:
Yes.
STACEY:
We love you dad.
DAD:
I love you too.


[FAMILY HUDDLES TOGETHER IN FEAR]



BRIAN played by David Spade
STACEY played by Christina Applegate
TED played by Phil Hartman
ELLEN played by Julia Sweeney
& MATT FOLEY played by CHRISTOPHER FARLEY







SOURCE: Saturday Night Live, NBC

__________________