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What's the difference between Aussies and pigs?Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink.
What's the difference between an Australian and a computer?You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Why do birds fly upside down over Australia?It's not worth shitting on.
Why was the Christ child not born in Australia?You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less a virgin!!
What do you call a field full of Australians?A vacant lot.
An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New Zealander were in a plane, getting ready to make their first parachute jump. The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he leapt out of the plane with the cry "I am doing this for my country.....". The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards, calling out the same words. Then the New Zealander ripped the parachute off the Australian, pushed him out of the plane and cried "I'm doing this for my country.....".
How do you define 144 Australians?Gross stupidity.
The Aussie pilot, when asked for his height and position, replied, "I'm 5'11 and sitting in the front seat".
What do you call an Aussie who scores well in an IQ test?A cheat.
An Aussie is proof that God has a sense of humour.
What do you call an Aussie with half a brain?Gifted.
If Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room, and you tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it first?The blonde - the other two don't exist.
How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the Smarties.
What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you.Pull the pin and throw it back.
Did you hear about the Aussie who had a brain transplant?The brain rejected him a week later.
What's the difference between yoghurt and Australians?At least yoghurt starts with a little culture.
An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk". The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
What does an Australian girl use for protection during sex?A bus shelter.
Newsflash!! Paul Keating's library burned down at the weekend and two books were destroyed! The real tragedy was that he hadn't finished colouring in one of them.
There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.
An Australian is someone who thinks that the three major political parties in Australia are Labour, Liberal and Cocktail.
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