Originally Posted by RedShoe

Ever wonder why heaven has pearly gates? Does it really need them? Did too many people sneak in, and God was like... "what the fuck? Ok.. fuck this, you, you and you get the fuck out. Peter, GOD DAMMIT, how many fucking times have I told you to watch the borders? Fuck this I'm putting in gates, and you're gonna sit out here for all eternity letting people in one at a time, DICK, I mean PETER!

Do you think Jesus had to wait in line at the pearly gates to get into heaven? Was he like, "Uhm.. HELLO!! I can't believe I'm waiting in line to get into my own house. Yo, peter... can he hear me... PEEEETEEERRR!! Oh for fuck's sake I'm the son of God God dammit."

Was it really that much of a sacrifice for Jesus to give up his shitty little life to sit at the right hand of God? Sounds like you fuckers got duped.

Do you think when Jesus showed up at the Pearly gates, Peter was like, "Oh look who's here, the prodigal son has returned, whoppdee fuckin doo, your stupid water into wine tricks don't matter up here dick-lick. We can all do that shit. Hey, prick I'm talking to you, GET BACK HERE, don't think you can just waltz in here after all this time and take over. We're all putting our time in up here and I got seniority biaaatch. You should be on gate duty, people would want to see you first anyway."

Hey do you think it was awkward when Joseph died and had to go to heaven and confront God? I picture it like the scene from Raging Bull. Joseph goes in and smacks God, "You FUCK my wife? Huh? Did you fuck'er? Did you fuck my wife? ANSWER ME! Did you fuck my wife?" God's just cowering next to the dinner table and Jesus is crying in the corner holding onto Mary.

Did God and Joseph share visitation rights when they were all in Heaven? God's like, "Son we want you and your little thai girlfriend Poo, over for thanksgiving. Your mother Mary grew the biggest turkey." Jesus says, "Well dad, Joseph and Tina already invited me, I think she'd gonna fry a turkey, and you know much I like me some fried ass turkey."

I wonder if Jesus gets like double gifts on Christmas. "Uhm, the RC plane is for your birthday, the batteries are for Christmas"

I wonder if all the people that serve Jesus in the Heaven restaurants get pissed when he goes in on his birthday, because they want to be home celebrating his birthday with their own families. I'd be like, "Listen I know God's your dad and all, and today is your birthday, but really I don't even know you, so no offense, but I'm leaving to go home and celebrate your birthday with my family. My youngest kid just died lat week, so he's knew to this whole heaven thing. And to be honest you're a horrible tipper anyway. Oh and a little advice, you won't die if there isn't enough mayo on your burger, so just chill the fuck out if it's not done EXACTLY how you want it. Oh and happy birthday, ASS!"

I wonder if Jesus uses "I'm the son of God" line in the heaven bars. Or does he pull out the big guns an use, "As a matter of fact, I AM God's gift to man."

Shit I should copyright this stuff. LOL.. I think I just did.