Fuck it, I'm over it.
Two years ago, I started a downward spiraling trend in my life, fueled by depression, rage, hate, and anger. I told myself everyday, that that day would be the day I turned it around and changed.
It never worked.
For one reason or another, I let shit get in my way, constantly felt sorry for myself, and hid behind excuses, alcohol, and at some points drugs.
I lived paycheck to paycheck (which is ridiculous considering I make pretty good money), still do some weeks, and I am working on that too, and that never helped.
I realise now, that I would do anything to sabatogue myself, afraid of success, needed pain to live each day. When it got too bad, no problem, more alcohol, more pills, just pass out as fast as I could to not have to deal with it. Needed friends? No problem there either, a few rounds at the club and I had a harem.
I let some people down, that added to it as well. I carried guilt from many years of depression and anger, never feeling like I could let it go. I abused privalidges granted to me, and once I was so far gone, never bothered to try to fix it, because I figured/knew those people just gave up on me.
I've had million dollar ideas, and pissed them away, purely because I had no motivation or confidence, and certainly not the courage to make things happen.
I know what I'm good at, and I know now I am headed in the right direction to get back on the right track toward success.
Broken hearted, over and over, because I tried so hard to make things work with new relationships, that I overdid it most of the time, and then couldn't accept it when I got rejected. That was probably the worst part (and most weeks still is). I needed so badly to feel wanted, to be loved, for someone to not just want to take advantage of me, that I was often blinded by my own actions.
I've had many many good times too, had a lot of really fun experiences, and I will always hold those memories close.
I have to give all of the credit for those times to Tom and Tracy, and (believe it or not) Arika sometimes, who through it all, never gave up on me, and have always been there to help and listen.
Those of you who know me, and that I've seen over the last couple of years at shows or events, know I am a genuine, usually fun-loving, and selfless person, and I am, that was always really me. I would do anything to make people smile or laugh, no matter the cost, breaking myself constantly to try to do the right thing, and show people a good time.
I talk to a lot of you on a daily basis. I've done a lot of business with you all, and appreciate everyone who always looked past my drama and lifestyle and we just got stuff done together.
Anyway, where this is all going...
6 weeks ago, in an alcoholic and anger filled episode (yeah, over a girl, as always, heh), I fell through a plate glass window. Severed the bracial artery in my right arm, the nerves that control everything below my right elbow, and about a third of the way through my bicep.
As I went into and came out of shock, I remembered everyone in my life I never apologized to, and immediately wanted to make ammends, for real this time, and for good.
There was however, a problem, I couldn't dial my phone, drive myself to the hospital, talk, think, and survive, all at the same time.
Poor Arika, was the only call I could make connect (thank goodness for the "Favorites" thing on iPhones, she was at the top of the list!) I ended up dropping my phone in the center console, it was too bloody to hold on to anymore. The connection was still open, and I was screaming what I thought were my last words. She had to listen to me beg God for my life, and at one point, the phone on her end went dead.
I am not a real religious guy, but I am spiritual. And I swore, if I could just make it to the ER, I would make things right in my life, even if it meant starting from the bottom.
So I guess that's where I feel like I am at right now, the bottom.
The good news is, I am more confident and strong than ever, and I am ready to come back out publicly in the industry and make the same good contributions I used to (well, tried too anyway...lol)
The last six weeks have been an up and down rollercoaster of events that have pushed and tested me to my physical, emotional, and psychological limits, and I am tired of not having control.
I'm back.
Some of you I understand will be skeptical, that's cool, I deserve that. Most of you will have forgave and forgot, that's cool too.
I know who I owe what, it's not that much, and not that bad, and I am working on making those things right daily.
I just want to say, tha GFY has historically been good to me, and I want to be part of the community again, and this is day one of that, I've had my last cry, for good.
I also want to say thank you to Tom especially, thanks for being a great friend, bodd, and surrogate father, I love you man.
Thanks for reading.
Here are some pics of the accident...
The window I went through was in this storm door (never realised it was not plexi-glass)...
This was the point I knew something was seriously wrong, I felt a warm rush of liquid coming down my side...
The shorts I had on. This was before I got a torniquet on my arm (about one minute after the accident)
Passenger side of the truck, this was after I couldnt drive anymore, I becamse disoriented as far as getting to the hospital, but amazingly, I was able to find the club my buddy was working at haha...
Drivers-side, console was covered, this was really hard to see 2 days later when they brought the truck home...
Blood literally leaked out of the passenger side door on to the running board.
