Originally Posted by Bojangles

First off, pick up your wife a present. Preferably something that will fit into your pocket so you can keep it stashed on you without her knowing about it. Whatever you can hide on yourself, grab it. Doesn't have to be anything expensive.

Rent a motel room. Buy some cigarettes and beer while you're at it. Pick up your hooker/lady friend. Fuck the living shit out of her. Send her packin'. Get a shower. Start drinking. Get really drunk or pretend you're really drunk (spill a bit of beer on yourself here and there) and smoke a ton of cigarettes. If you don't smoke, light them and let them burn in an ash tray right beside of you. This way their smell will be all over you. Call your wife from the motel and tell her to come pick you up. You were out with one of your friends and his girlfriend at a bar. All three of you got trashed and you some how got separated from them. Tell your wife you think they snuck out to go screw around and you think they forgot about you cause they were drunk.

She'll ask why you were at a motel. Tell her you were drunk and didn't want to risk being charged with public intox. Better to waste $60 bucks on a cheap motel room rather than to get a fine of $1,000, right?

By this time you get into the car with her she will want to kick you out. You will smell like old cigarettes and cheap beer. Hey, it's better than smelling like old lady and cheap pussy, right?

When you get home you should now get yourself another shower as quickly as possible. Lock the door to the bathroom. Set the gift you got her earlier some where in the bathroom where it will not get wet. Finish up and head out of the bathroom. Tell your wife you picked a little something up for her. You and your buddies had secretly went out V-Day shopping that day and picked it up for her. On the way back is when they decided to stop in at the bar and you really had nothing to do with that decision. Your wife will love you forever and ever. She will also most likely give you some ass. Take it, you should feel like a hero by now. Just think, you'll be pumping away at her and she will never know you fucked some trashy hooker with the very dick you're punishing her with.

This will be a journey. Good luck, my new friend.