Originally Posted by SteveLightspeed

Time to bring back an old, but still relevent, rant...

SPONSORS WANTED:

I'd like to find someone who will recruit hot new 18 year old girls that are willing to model nude, then pay her and take her pictures, then update her website regularly and host it on a super reliable, ultrafast server. Also, you'll need to buy lots of extra picture and video content so I won't lose a rebill too soon. Can you also make sure I get credit if my signup quits but comes back later as a typein?

I'd also like you to cover all the legal expenses, processing costs, and pay the visa registration fees. But don't send me a 1099, I don't want all that tax liablility!

I'd like you to provide full page ads, banners (odd-sizes work best for me), and maybe even agree to pay my hosting bill. And I'll need lots of free content. Not the same free content you give everyone, I need new exclusive content just for me. I'll need hosted picture and movie galleries too, on a fast server. Can your hottest girl make me a fansign? I want to tell all my buddies I fucked her! Better yet, can I just have sex with her first, to see if she's worthy of my traffic?

On your free content, don't write your url anywhere. and don't put too many ads on them, my surfers don't like ads. Can you submit all your newest hosted galleries to all the TGPS with my affiliate code for me?

I'd like you to throw huge parties where I can drink myself silly, while I oggle your hot girls and generally make an ass of myself. I'm gonna need a rug to put out my cigarette on. And a wall to kick a hole in. I get silly sometimes.

I want you to take me to strip clubs, and I want you to buy me lapdances all night long. If I host a convention, I'll expect you to sponsor it (and if there aren't enough of naked chicks, I'm going to tell everyone it was a sausage fest!)

I'll need you to buy a banner spot and post regularly on my obscure message board.

I want you to do all that for no more than 40% of the net revenue that her site generates. I don't want a minimum payout, send me a check for 25 cents if I earned it. Instant payouts would be best, I don't like to wait for my money. I don't care if you have to, thats your problem.

I might even ask you to prepay me even if I can't get her site to convert. And you can pay me by check, but I tend to lose them, so you'll need to be willing to re-issue the ones I lose. But going to the bank is such a hassle, could I just have a wire instead? You'll need to eat the wire fees. Or Epassporte, can you set me up with an account? I don't want to pay for it though, so just add their fees to my payout too, ok?

Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention that I'm going to accuse you of shaving and cheating if I can't convert any traffic at 1:500 or better. If you are a day late on my payment, I will publicly crucify you. And I'm gonna need a constant supply of new sites from you, I get tired of looking at the old ones after a couple weeks.

And you better not take a day off, if I try to icq you and you are not there within a few minutes, I'm dropping my links! And no matter how few sales I send, I expect you to drop everything and talk to me as long as I want. I'll need lots of advice and support, you don't mind do you?

I want reward points and christmas cards are nice too. Fly me to a convention and pay for my room. But it better be a suite, I need space. Give me bonuses and prizes. And hookers, lots of 'em. Don't forget I'll also need a non-expiring password to your sites too for "educational" purposes. When I promote your site, I want to be able to say anything to the surfer to make a sale, I don't care if its true or not, pleasing the surfer is your problem.

I'm gonna need a cool baseball jersey customized with my name and favorite number on the back...

And no matter what you do for me, I might just decide to try someone else's program for a while, cuz you are probably making too much money anyway on typeins and upsells... And if you get someone else pushing your sites, I'm going to drop you completely, because then you'll be "over saturated".

Oh yeah, and you are gonna need lots of sites, and I want to be paid on sales to all of them from your exits. Better yet, I'll require no-console linking codes, cuz I hate popups. But don't even think about paying me less for my joins. And FUCK crosssells, unless I'm paid for those too.

You'll need to join the lawsuit against Acacia, I don't care how much it costs. But if you settle, I'll tear you apart on the boards and recommend that everyone boycotts you. Can you cover my membership to FSC too?

And I want to lump you in with all the scammers and scumballs that have ever made money on the net. I don't care if you are honest, I have to blame someone for a bad week, and its gonna be you.

Oh yeah, and for your 40%, I want to be able to break my promises anytime, I really don't want you to be able to rely on me. I'll send you traffic when I fucking feel like it. But if you break one of YOUR promises to ME, I'll drop you and move on. Actually, I'll just move on anyway, cuz my attention span is short, and there is always someone willing to do more for me than you.