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I challenge you that this guy has better grammer than all of us combined! He/she accomplished exactly what he/she wanted to with that paragraph. And no it shouldn't be broken up because it would lose the effect the writer was looking for if that were done.
If I were you and looking for a writer then I would have this guy/girl write another story or two from various angles and see how they do 'cause I might just be blowing smoke!!!!!!!!
regards,
strato
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