vinnie mcgee

?Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a ?gripe sheet?, which tells the
mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the
problems; document their repairs on the form, then the pilots review the
gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever had and accident.





P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in the cockpit.

S: Something tightened in the cockpit.



P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of a leak on the main right landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That?s what friction locks are for.



P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you?re right.



P: The number 3 engine is missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.



P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

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