Almost anything written by the bastion of 80s and early 90s wit,
Pat Proft:
Real Genius:
I'm pondering the immortal words of Socrates who said, "I drank what?"
Brain Donors:
Rocco Melonchek: You're lying.
Roland T. Flakfizer: Of course I am, but hear me out!
...and two more because they are great quips that I love to steal:
Roland T. Flakfizer: Please, call me what everyone else calls me: "Your Royal Sex Machine."
Roland T. Flakfizer: Sorry, two's company, and three's an adult movie.