NTM

1770s:
America's birth as a nation began as a rebellion against the British Empire. Lead by General George Washington, the Americans fought a losing campaign against England's 2nd string forces until a Prussian officer named Baron Von Steuben arrived to show them how to fight. The war dragged on for many years until the Battle of Yorktown, where France provided artillery and gunboats. Faced with the superior French forces, the British decided the colonies were too expensive to maintain and retreated. America was now independent.

1812:
After hopelessly watching it's sailors get drafted by foreign navies, the fledgling nation declared war on England. The young Americans had their ass kicked badly, the British marched on Washington DC, burned down the White House, and went home laughing. American forces also attempted 3 invasions of Canada. All failed.

1860:
America goes to war once again. Against other Americans. Despite military and economic support from France, the Union forces were outclassed on the battlefield and lost most of the battles, but had better logistics and thus were able to force a Confederate surrender. America finally earns its first unaided victory in war.

1898:
Incompetent American sailors accidentally blow up their own ship. Itching for a war, the American government finds a harmless scapegoat in Spain and declares war. After a short time, glorious victories are achieved over relatively undefended Hawaii, Cuba, and the Phillippines.

1917:
After sitting on the sidelines for 3 years trying to decide what to do in "The War To End All Wars", America sees that the French and British are gaining the upper hand on Germany and joins the winning team. Thousands of Americans travel to Europe, and are used primarily as REMFs by the French military command. At the end of the war, American General Pershing was finally allowed to fight. He sent thousands of troops "over the line" against the defeated and demoralized German forces who were ready to surrender anyway. Glory all around.

1941:
WW2, Pacific Theater. After doing nothing for years while Japan marched all over Asia, America joined the war after being attacked at Pearl Harbor. America re-captured hundreds of meaningless sand bars all over the Pacific, and when faced with an invasion of Japan, America flinched. Recruited a group of foreign scientists to develop the A-bomb, and dropped it on Japan, forcing a surrender.

1944:
WW2, European Theater. The war in Europe had been raging for years while the Americans mostly provided fighters and bombers to their British and Russian allies. By 1944, the war had been decided. Russia had defeated the Wehrmacht and was rapidly closing in on Berlin, so the Americans decided to join the fight. Their presence was mostly a nuisance to Hitler, who sent all of his best troops to the Eastern Front. The Americans spent a year fighting German boys and old men and finally met the Russian Army in August 1945, who had been sitting in Berlin enjoying their victory and awaiting the American arrival.

1952:
American forces are kicked out of Korea by Chinese forces. Americans manage a meager comeback and fight to a stalemate which is still going on today.

1965-1975:
American forces, paranoid about Communism, fight and lose a war to a bunch of Vietnamese peasants. U.S. Marines, whose motto is "These colors never run" flee from Saigon with their tails between their legs.

1980:
After the American embassy is taken over by Iranian students and hostages are captured, America launches a massive special-ops mission to rescue the hostages. The helicopter crashes in the desert before the mission even starts. Americans give up, and Ronald Reagan finally trade weapons in exchange for the return of the hostages.

1982:
Hundreds of U.S. Marines killed in Beirut during a single bombing. Reagan loses his will to fight and orders an immediate retreat.

1983:
American pride is restored during the glorious invasion of Grenada, a tiny undefended island in the Carribbean.

1991:
After gathering up as much international support as possible, President Bush bombs Iraqi troops in Kuwait until they're ready to flee. American armor rolls into Kuwait, then stops, not wanting to fight the Iraqis on their home turf. A long cease-fire ensues, in which American bombers patrol a "no fly zone" and Iraq resumes its WMD program.

2003:
The son of the first President Bush decides to change tactics in the 13-year-old war and go for a full-scale invasion. Gets ass kicked by a bunch of unruly Muslim savages.


America sucks.