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I think it?s a good start. Those keywords you are targeting are highly competitive, so you have to get hundreds if not thousands of one way links to your index with those keywords as anchor text.
I mention that because I?m assuming that is the point of the text. If you decide to make the site more sales oriented take lukeump?s advice. I would also say add more pics and link them to bios on your site that link directly to the join page.
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