Experiment #77304-12
Codename: Print Screen
In this unique personal experiment I attempted to make a completely functional cat-powered laser printer. It took me a while to get the toner right inside the cat unit, but ultimately I was successful. Powering the cat up was no easy task, but I finally found that I could easily install a plug directly into the cat?s anus for easy access. Combining the cat with a printer also proved to be extremely energy efficient; the unit only consumed 55 watts while warming up and only 20 watts to print! Unfortunately the maximum resolution I could achieve was a measly 150dpi, so I regrettably terminated the subject.
STATUS:
SUCCESS
Experiment #75211-73
Codename: Iris B Pudding
Commissioned by a bionics group, I attempted to graft a set of artificial eyes into the cat subject, but I was unable to achieve a visual signal. Even after sticking my finger up the cat?s rectum and tuning the frequencies by upwards of 230Hz, I was unable to make the necessary adjustments to allow for any kind of signal acquisition. With little to no success to show the board, I was forced to terminate the subject. A few hours later I discovered why I could get no signal: I forgot to put in the batteries in the damn thing! Man did my face glow red for a while after that, twenty-six million dollars wasted. Oh well, at least a cat died from it.
STATUS:
FAILURE
Experiment #76664-10
Codename: Soul Sucker
The cat subject was forced to ingest a combination of camel milk and glycerin to test the solubility inside a living subject. What occurred next was quite perplexing; every time the feline urinated, it would produce a substance that I coined Furtardium. This Furtardium managed to help accelerate the natural healing ability by the body by a factor 120%. Unfortunately Furtardium had an unattended side effect? people exposed to Furtardium slowly developed an OCD-type disorder and began licking themselves uncontrollably. Though this made for great entertainment for the rest of us, I still had to record this one as a failure.
STATUS:
FAILURE
Experiment #71515-14
Codename: Cyborg Paddle
One of the most successful experiments I ever performed was able to take a cat?s head off of its organic body and attach it to a robotic body. While the cat would only survive for a matter of hours, the results were truly outstanding! When connected to its robotic form, the cat had an amazing control ability of around 30-35%. Its robotic tail could flick, it could even lift its robotic paw and attempt to lick it. Of all three cats tested, Tacdaed performed the best, able to control 50% of his robotic body. This experiment proved that with a bit of tuning, a permanent robotic replacement should be possible for a human host.
STATUS:
SUCCESS
Experiment #70001-01
Codename: Cha'ching
Before the widespread availability of digital cameras, there was simply no easy way to digitize your media on your computer, no way to digitally store your favorite family moments. Sure you had scanners but who wanted to use hulking things? Seeing a way to make a few bucks, I came up with an ingenious way of storing your favorite photographic moments digitally by using an everyday house cat. You would pick up the feline, point, and ?shoot? by squeezing the cat?s left ear. The cat?s right eye served as the lens. A top resolution of 640x480 was successfully achieved (abysmal these days, I know). The cat stored an impressive 8MB of photos to be transferred later via a serial cable implanted on top of the cat?s head. Project was terminated due to lack of funding.
STATUS:
SUCCESS
Experiment X-12 TOP-SECRET
Codename: Classified - lol, Just Kidding, it's Project Omniview
Being a top secret experiment I shouldn?t even mention it, but I feel I must let this one known to the public. Back in 1994, a dangerous, yet very rewarding experiment took place. I successfully transferred the consciousness of a human inside the body of a cat. I did this in order to allow the cat-human to do covert surveillance on felinity in order to find out where the feline overlords are hidden and to commit acts of treason. The first few days were very successful and the human adapted to its cat body. Unfortunately, I didn?t count on how potent the mind-controlling parasites that all cats possess would be to the direct human consciousness; soon the controller became the controlled and started to show feral feline characteristics. Soon afterwards I was forced to end the experiment when the cat-human attempted to claw out my balls.
STATUS:
FAILURE
Now it?s time for the Q and A.
Q. What was the most important thing you learned from experimenting on cats?
A. Cats make for decent printers and digital cameras.
Q. Do these cats feel pain when you experiment on them?
A. Absolutely! That?s what makes this shitty job bearable.
Q. How many total experiments were done on the feline fleshbags?
A. Nearly 80,000 thus far.
Q. Are we, as a species, any closer to destroying our cat nemesis thanks to your experiments?
A. Unfortunately no. PETA and ALF continually manages to delay my experimentation, allowing the feline menace to grow stronger everyday.
Q. Is there anything I can do to help?
A. Yes. Kill every cat you can, as fast as you can.
Q. Surely not my baby kitten George, he?s so cute and cuddly!
A. That?s just the mind-control parasite working. Strangle it to death, it?ll make you feel better.
Q. I really don?t think that?s going to help me feel better Steve.
A. My name isn?t Steve?
Q. LOL, whatever, I?m choking this kitten to death right now.
A. There you go!
